I should clarify that this is the last post from the blog ‘Tales from the Crypt’…
You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.(A quote from A.A. Milne)
This will be my last post for this blog.
I have spent the best part of the last twelve months on the internet, using my energy, my left brain, my focus and my drive to say what I have needed to say. It has by no means been an easy task.
I started this blog in fear and trepidation, not knowing what would become of it or me. I needed to speak out, I needed to know others were hearing me, and I have accomplished that aim. I wanted to document my journey for others, because when I first came out of BCF, there was nothing on the internet, and that was distressing, because it made me think I was the only one suffering the way I was. Now, of course, we all know that none of us are alone.
The ABC has done a fine job giving our cause the publicity it has so badly needed for so long, and others are also becoming vocal so it seems that further comment from me is no longer necessary.
I appreciate all those who have read here, and stopped for long enough to find out what was going on. I appreciate those who have been regulars and stayed to encourage and support, it has been invaluable.
Abuse, at any level, is very difficult to fight. Abusers don’t look like Hannibal Lecter. They are personable, helpful, easy to trust, good at what they do. They often win medals and awards in their chosen profession and are commonly public figures, with impeccable reputations (thanks to their spin doctors). So if you are going to speak up about abuse from a ‘respectable’ member of society, you had better be sure to have some watertight evidence, and a very large group of supporters to help you over the rough patches. We all know that this is rarely the case for abuse victims. Mostly they are just solitary courageous persons who are ‘angry as hell and aren’t going to take it any more’. Hence the difficulty.
I saw an interview recently with Frank Abagnale Jnr, the famous confidence trickster and con-man who lived a lie for years in America. His was the main character from the movie ‘Catch me if You Can’, with Tom Hanks. He must have been some kind of a genius, he was able to pass himself off as a doctor, a lawyer, and an airline pilot and nobody EVER questioned him. Finally, after many years he was caught, and served a prison sentence. He then worked for the FBI helping them catch other fraudsters. How is it that he was able to fool everyone, including the professionals? He was obviously a very friendly, confident man who presented a likeable and trustworthy façade. He was just as obviously a psychopath. He had no conscience, no boundaries, and he did what he did because he could. His criminal career started in adolescence, as many psychopath’s careers do, conning even his parents.
Admittedly this happened in the sixties when people were generally much more trusting and the checks and balances which occur now in professional environments did not then exist. Even today though, there is ample evidence to suggest that most of us have no idea that psychopaths roam our planet in the form of nice everyday people. They look like us, they sound like us, the only difference is that they are players. They do what they do in order to take what they need from you, and if making themselves ‘fit in’ works, they will do that. Psychopaths and other types of abusers are predators.
Generally, abusers ensconce themselves in places nobody would suspect them to be. As a society, we tend to trust our teachers, doctors and pastors. We have to. We are handing ourselves and our families over to their care on a daily basis. But there is more than just a need for trust, many people trust willingly because it is in their nature.
From what I have observed, our tendency to trust easily can also come from environmental factors. You may have had a childhood where you were greatly loved by your family and friends and learned that the world is a good place with helpful kind people. Alternatively, you may have had a childhood of abuse, where your survival depended upon doing as you were told, avoiding trouble and never questioning authority. A childhood of this sort trains you up to become fair game for further abuse as an adult. Cults are full of adults who were taught as children that abuse is normal, that their opinions don’t count and that their own perceptions and feelings are wrong. They have learned to be helpless. They have learned that there really is no point in trying to change the status quo because you are always wrong and it doesn’t really matter anyway. This would have to be the saddest human condition possible, and it is so readily changed because it is based on a lie. When people discover the truth for themselves and finally get their heads around it, the revolution begins.
For every man, woman and child who despairs, I believe there is hope. I have been in that pit, wanting to die, too afraid to end my life because I had three small children and an unshakeable belief that my life was not my own. I also had an inexplicable something deep within my core which was stronger than death.. I still had hope in the midst of terror and anguish. How can that be? Others have asked me the same question and I can tell you the answer with confidence. God helped me. He does not abandon us EVER. Our feelings overwhelm us, our thoughts lie to us, but our feelings and thoughts change, they diminish and pass. We can reach beyond the walls of our own minds. The Holy Spirit, whose power is certainly never made any less, even by evil men, remains ever vigilant, and he will speak to us and enable us to move past our pain. I have experienced this, and so have many others.
I have read as much as I can on psychological disorders, abuse, family dynamics, church history, church government, and biblical interpretation. I still believe fervently that knowledge is power, and when you have been stripped of all outside information for most of your life, knowledge becomes very powerful indeed.
I know now exactly what happened to me and why. I know that wholeness and co-dependency cannot co-exist. I use the term co-dependency to mean a type of existence where you are literally enmeshed with somebody else or a group of somebodies to the point that you cannot live an independent life. Every decision you make must be checked with them first, every thought you have revolves around them, you worry constantly that you are going to upset them, so your actions are weighed always with the other person’s comfort in mind. In extreme cases, as in the situation of a cult, your thoughts are their thoughts, your ways are their ways, and your life belongs to them. This goes beyond trust, and enters the realm of brainwashing. Independent thought and action become sin. Not only that, but the leaders of the cult, the other half of the co-dependence equation, delight in the subservience of their congregation members and will go to great lengths to keep the status quo. It is in their best interests to have you co-dependent, not yours.
This goes against everything I believe to be true of Christ and our relationship with him. God gave us independent thought, and he also gave us the ability to choose. Not only that but he delights in us, and in our lives, watching as we use our intelligence and our experience to make both wise and foolish choices. It is his pleasure to allow us to come to our heavenly Father, ask for his help and receive his forgiveness when we fail. This is a relationship which is not only enhanced by our ability to freely choose, but it absolutely depends upon it.
I still have a huge amount to learn, and I will continue healing. I will always walk with a limp I think, but that’s fine. I can at least accept that now with peace instead of rage. The rage was important, but I am glad it is finally passing. I need to live in peace.
Ah yes peace.
Romans 12:18 says “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live in peace with all people” I had an interesting thought about that verse today as I was thinking how to write this post. I suddenly realized….when Paul said, be at peace with all men, he wasn’t saying ‘be nice to all men’. He was saying do whatever you can do, if possible, to live in peace with yourself and others. That little ‘if possible’ phrase in there is a life-saver. It stops all those religious busy-bodies who want to make you feel ashamed because you are angry about something someone else did. It also stops us feeling guilty when we don’t get on with everybody at church, everybody in the family, or everybody at work. It means that there will be times when it isn’t possible to be at peace, and hopefully, says Paul, it won’t be your fault. Repent where you are wrong, but if you can’t have peace with all men, God won’t hold it against you.
If you encounter contentious abusive people and you know you will never have a moment’s peace with them, get away from them. Avoiding entanglement with destructive people has to be the most peaceable thing you can do. Self-protection and the protection of your children, is a God-given right, and a natural instinct. I am not a member of the gun lobby by the way. I am talking about non-violent protection.
Being at peace with others is pro-active. A lot of what passes for ‘nice Christian behaviour’ is in essence simply passive-aggression. If you ask someone to do something, and they have no intention of doing it, but they say yes, and then avoid you for weeks, that is passive-aggression. Christians are good at this because we think it makes us look like peace-keepers, when in fact we are just being cowardly. We don’t want to say no, because we are afraid others won’t like us. We don’t like confronting others, so we avoid them.
I have to say that I learned the hard way that recognizing your boundaries, saying no to abuse, talking to someone when they have offended you, making a clear statement of what you will and won’t do and sticking to it, and refusing to play mind-games with people who haven’t learned all of the above makes for a not so peaceable life. We think that keeping the peace and speaking ‘little white lies’ are synonymous. The only thing lying of any colour is synonymous with is high blood pressure. How in God’s name have we reached such an impasse?
I get myself into trouble regularly because I won’t accept the following excuses for bad behaviour……(note: any number of these excuses can be used together, or all at once)
- a) They aren’t like that all the time
- b) They are only like that with you
- c) They didn’t really mean it
- d) You don’t really understand them
- e) You are just being difficult
- f) You must have a problem with them (do you think?)
- g) That’s just the way they are
or (my personal favourite)
- h) They are just very passionate about their work
Just once, I would like somebody to say “You know, that WAS pretty bad, I think you deserve an apology, and as the person responsible for this organization, I will see to it that you get one”.
If you want to contact me, you can still use the email address on the right of this blog.
The forum will still be running for as long as people want to talk, and that may be for some time to come.
Thankyou all again for reading. We trust that all who are imprisoned by men who claim to act on behalf of Christ, will soon have the freedom that only Christ can bring.
Isaiah 61 (King James)
1The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
2To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
3To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.