About steveandanitabrady

Married for 28 years, been believers for over 40. Three adult kids who love the Lord and witness for Christ at work, uni, wherever they are. A family which went from briars to myrtle, from thorns to Cypress because God sought out the lost sheep and found us naked and ashamed, and brought us back to His side.

The Upside of Rejection

 

hate meryl

Is Shunning biblical?  Short answer – yes.

But lets look more closely at the term shunning. When I use this term, I mean the isolation and rejection of and by people in your social circle and family. It is behviour that has been used by cults to get compliance to orders from their members, and it has also been used by churches to describe the discipline that is metered out to those who won’t listen when they are told to stop sinning. The two are actually very different.

Paul gave the churches instruction on how to deal with reprobates. He frequently told his people ‘from such turn away’, usually from false teachers and brethren who were wasting the church’s time and energy. 2 Timothy 3:5 and 1 Timothy 6:5 are two examples of this. Paul spoke about false teachers being twice cursed (Galatians 1), Peter talked about false teachers and their effects on the church in 2 Peter, and John the apostle talked about false teachers in his second epistle saying that those who greeted them ‘shared in their evil deeds’.

So, if by shunning you mean having nothing more to do with those who refuse to stop preaching false gospels, then it is definitely biblical.

There is even a story told by John’s disciple Polycarp which spoke of the fact that on one instance when John had heard that there was a known false teacher, Cerinthus,  in the bathing house he was going to he left in a hurry, convinced that the roof would fall in because of this person. Now that is the fear of God. Whatever happened to that kind of reverence for the gospel?

Nowadays, there is no such concern among most of the church going public. Those who consider themselves Christian seem to have no real concern about false teachers or their influence. They happily read, listen to and even greet false teachers with open arms. There is no fear of God, no wisdom and no desire for spiritual things. They would not go to the lengths that scripture demands, to avoid false teachers, most church-going Christians today would not even recognise a false teacher because they are so used to false teaching from their own pastors.

Then there is the ‘shunning’ or ‘sending away’ which occurs when churches use the biblical method of disciplining those who refuse to change their behaviour when they have been confronted a number of times by church members.(Matthew 18).  The sort of behaviour I am talking about is usually confined to sexual immorality or abuse. It is the end run of the sort of pastoral care that involves taking church members to task for the kinds of behaviour that affect other church members and even whole churches. It is necessary for the morale and faith of the whole congregation and it is usually not done often and only towards the most reprobate of offenders. It is the equivalent of sending somebody to prison for their crimes. Except in church environments it is used prayerfully and not without a great deal of pain and concern by all involved. Nobody uses the ‘sending away’ principle on a whim, and hopefully there will also be follow through. If the offender refuses to change and does not come back to the church that is their decision. But in most cases, there will be an opportunity for that person to come back when they are ready. Prayer and fasting is usually involved by all concerned.

The ‘shunning’ which is practiced by controlling churches is a different matter however. This type of shunning involves church members literally running away from you if they see you in the street. They will justify their behaviour by saying that the person who left, or was kicked out, is a ‘bad influence’ and they need to oust this person in order to save the offender’s souls. This is not usually the case. The shunning that is done is purely motivated by the flesh and is in fact a punishment for not doing what they are told unquestioningly by their abusive leaders. Most people who are shunned by cults and controlling churches are shunned because they have had the courage to speak up about the abuse. It is not a badge of dishonour, it is more of an indicator of who the church members themselves are.

I want to point out the difference at this juncture between shunning and the issue of ‘going no contact’ with abusive relatives and friends.

If shunning is avoiding spiritual poison, then ‘going no contact’ is about avoiding emotional poison; reprobates and those who refuse to stop abusing you. It may seem like a no brainer, but most people who have been involved in long term abuse have had their brains re-wired. I am not a neuro-surgeon. But I have read a great deal about brainwashing and neuro-plasticity which is the study of the brains’ ability to change the way it thinks. When you have been raised by an abuser, or been strongly influenced by an older sibling who is an abuser, you are taught to think the way the abuser wants you to think. You may grow up believing that you are a good, nice, caring person who serves others and wants to do good for them. In fact, you have been wired to think that this is what you are. You will go out of your way to avoid conflict, you will feel extremely uncomfortable whenever anyone else is angry or upset and you will do whatever you can to defuse stressful or threatening situations, usually by avoiding the person who causes them or doing things that make or keep them happy. If you can’t do that, you will probably end up going out of your way to get into their good books by doing more than you need to do, working harder, or bending over backwards by giving them what they want.

This is a recipe for your personal disaster and nobody has ever gained anything by living this way, except of course the abuser. But the abused person will not even think they are being abused. They will tell you that their abuser is a great person, has many good qualities etc. Sure, they say, he or she may be a bit short tempered and ‘I don’t really like it when they….(fill in the blank) ….but they are definitely not abusive’. The abuser is a nice guy, the victim of the abuse is a nice guy and we all get along famously. Until you get sick  or face some kind of personal difficulty which prevents you being their slave, or finally answer the clue phone and decide you have had enough of being stabbed in the back, treated like a doormat and taken for granted. Then the mouse will roar. However, what the victim needs to recognise is that they were never a mouse to begin with. They actually began life with their own personality, varied, wonderful, talented and quirky, fun to be with, free, happy and enjoying life. It was only when their parent/older sibling/relative began to use them for their own ends that the otherwise joyful child becomes fearful, withdrawn and subservient. Behold, another victim of abuse is created. And your creator is your abuser.

The objects of this kind of abuse is very good at reading people and empathising, anticipating needs and assessing risks. You are a good analyst both of situations and people. You are also probably pathologically terrified of people, in particular those types of people who resemble the abuser you grew up with; namely, narcissists and sociopaths. It takes a huge amount of time and energy for people in this situation to get to the point that they understand what happened to them, that they are not who they have been told they are – compliant, obsequious and servile. You fully believe that you are a great person, although deep down you really don’t like yourself very much. In fact, when you are having a bad day, you actually feel a lot of self-hate because you know instinctively that this is not the sort of life that you want, nor are you the sort of person you were created to be.In fact, to borrow a much loved phrase from A.A. Milne, author of Winnie the Pooh,

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

You need to be able to speak up about the abuse, you need to break the silence which has been forced upon you by your abuser, and you need to be able to hear yourself say ‘no’ to them. This will inevitably drag up all of your worst fears, and they are well founded. Most abusers have legendary tempers and you will h ave to face that when you tell them you don’t want to have any more to do with them. Abusers are not open to discussion, they are not reasonable and pliable people. There is a reason they are abusers. So when you speak up, you have to face what you have been avoiding for years.

We do not encourage anybody to speak up to their abuser without a great deal of help and support from others who understand the toxic dynamics of the situation. You need prayer, whether you are a Christian or not, because you are facing, and wrestling with, spiritual forces of wickedness. This is why you have been under so much pressure, you have not just been dealing with a human abuser, you have been dealing with a demonic one as well. Therefore it is a fait accomplis that you will have to break off all connection with them sooner or later for your own mental health. You can no longer continue to live as a slave to somebody else’s moods and whims. You must find yourself again and you must learn to use your voice, your authentic voice, not the one that the abuser gave you, which in effect is their own voice. You have been like the character of Echo in the Greek Myth of Narcissus. She was not able to use her own voice, only to echo back the last words of her lover Narcissus. She was previously a very talkative person who loved to have the last word. She was cursed by Juno because by her talking she distracted Juno and allowed Juno’s adulterous husband’s lovers to get away from her. Echo used to be somebody else, but she became a shadow of her former self, literally, and faded away to nothing as all echoes inevitably do.

As lifelong victims of serial abusers, we learn to echo their words, adore and worship them and throw our lives away in pursuit of their attention and love, only to be rejected and shunned by them.

Now, it feels like shunning to reject and cut off contact from these abusers, but in actual fact you have to do this in order to regain your authentic self. As a Christian, it is important to know who you are before God in order to be able to relate to him honestly and truthfully. We worship Him in Spirit and in truth therefore we need to be able to recognise that our personalities are not what we had previously thought.

Rejection has an up-side. If you are rejecting abuse, slavery and bullying and the people who use these forms of perverted relationship then you are rejecting deception, lies and the castration of your soul. This can only be a good thing. Moreover, once you are no longer living the lie that your abuser forced you to live, you can see the world, and in fact your God in a completely different light and you will be able to partake of the eternal life that God promises us through Jesus Christ our Saviour.

Jordan Petersen – An encouragement from a ‘hate monger’

zz petersen

I came across a video of Jordan Petersen speaking about how it is not safe to speak up.  I knew nothing about him before this, but his words resonated with me, especially as somebody who has been oppressed and told to shut up because I was female and in a misogynistic cult.  Even more importantly, I have been abused for speaking up after I left the cult, because who was I?  Just a woman.  Interestingly, I was also abused for the way I wrote my blog, for not being easily manipulated by people who just wanted to use me for their own designs, and also abused because I was not falling into line by other ex-cult women who likewise, figured I should be there for their benefit.  So considering re-writing the ‘Crypt’ blog, it was very important to me to hear this message from admittedly, a non-Christian conservative. Petersen’s views are so akin to conservative Christian views, especially the biblical view of the nature of man that I pray this man will one day find the God who created him and so he will have even more courage and power with which to withstand the onslaught.  I wish I could post videos on this blog, but I can’t.  So I have included a transcript of the video, minus a few ums and ahs.

Before I post that however, I just want to include this excerpt from a blog post about Petersen from a writer of the “LifeSite”.  It covers the details of Jordan Petersen’s rise to  public notoriety.

Most of my readers will be familiar with Dr. Peterson’s story. A professor of psychology at the University of Toronto, Peterson became an overnight sensation when he released several videos on his YouTube account, explaining why he opposed Bill C-51, which purported to enshrine legal protections for transgender people into Canadian law. In reality, Peterson pointed out, these laws could be used to police speech — and even worse, could compel people to use the recently-invented “transgender pronouns” for those who refuse to identify as either male or female such as “ze” or “zir.” Such infringements on such an essential right were unconscionable, said Peterson, and he would not be using those pronouns regardless of what the state demanded of him.

The reaction to Peterson’s videos was at first predictable. He was accused of violence by a fellow panelist on The Agenda with Steve Paikin. Transgender activists insisted he was a bigot and a transphobe. His university sent him a letter warning him that his refusal would violate the rights of transgender people. Media outlets pilloried him as a man using his position to express his hatred, and quoted progressives and LGBTQ activists saying the same thing. It looked as if the standard media-lynching we’ve seen so frequently over the past several years would again succeed — those brave souls who are willing to articulate opinions contrary to the current progressive generally run afoul of the tolerance buzz saw and see their careers and reputations destroyed, or worse.

Instead, something remarkable happened. Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, an academic who dared to stand up to the transgender lobby, didn’t get fired. He got famous. His YouTube account, where he posts his lectures and other musings, has over 355,000 subscribers. Thousands of fans flooded his Patreon account with donations, from which he now earns over $30,000 a month from over 5,000 fans. He became one of the most on-demand interviewees from Sam Harris’ podcast to Steven Crowder’s YouTube show, among dozens of other media outlets. Even a photographer’s photo essay of Peterson at his Toronto home accrued over 300,000 hits in a matter of days. For the first time in a very long time, an academic stood up to the politically correct progressive lobby — and won.

Dr. Peterson’s success is even more remarkable when you consider the positions he articulates. Abortion, he said in response to one question, is “clearly wrong.” Pornography is “deadening” and men should stop watching it. Young men need to “grow up” and get their lives together. Young people should pursue children and marriage. Even more than that, he warns his audiences that they are not good people — that each of them harbors demons within, and that this fact should drive them to become better people. None of this would have been particularly radical fifty or so years ago. In 2017, it’s as if Peterson is taking a machine gun to a field of sacred cows — and yet, his popularity only grows.

Jonathon Van Maren

Here is the transcript of Petersen’s Youtube video, which you can watch at this link

One way of conceptualising yourself is that you are one speck of dust among seven billion and you might think ‘what difference does it make what I say or do’. And that’s actually quite convenient for you because if it doesn’t matter what you say or do then you don’t have any responsibility and you can do whatever you want.

The price you pay for that is a bit of nihilism but if you don’t have to shoulder any responsibility that’s a small price to pay.

The other way of looking at it is that you are a node in a network. You can do a bit of arithmetic and work out how powerful you are. Let’s say you know a thousand people. They know a thousand people. This means you are one person away from a million people and two persons away from a billion people. And you are the centre of that network. Now the way that networks work is that information propogates in a network manner. So don’t underestimate the power of your speech.

Western culture is phallogo centric. It is predicated on the idea of the logos. That the logos is the sacred element of the culture. It means that your capacity for speech is divine. Its the thing that generates order from chaos, and sometimes turns pathological order into chaos when it has to. Don’t underestimate the power of truth. There is nothing more powerful.

Now in order to speak what you regard as the truth, you have to let go of the outcome. You have to think “I am going to say what I think, stupid as I am, biassed as I am, ignorant as I am, I am going to state what I think as clearly as I can and I am going to live with the consequqences no matter what they are” That is an element of faith. The idea is that nothing brings a better world into being than the stated truth. Now you might have to pay a price for that, but that’s fine. You are going to have to pay a price for everything you do and everything you don’t do. You don’t get to choose not to pay a price. You get to choose which poison you are going to take. So if you are going to stand up for something, stand up for your truth. It will shape you. Because people will respond and object and tell you why you are a fool and a biassed moron and why you are ignorant and then if you listen to them, you will be just that much less like that the next time you say something. If you do that for five years you will be so damned tough and articulate and able to withstand pressure you won’t even recognise yourself. Then you will be a force to be contend with. And you don’t get to wait until you get tenure etc.

Its almost impossible to provide people with enough protection that they feel safe to speak. Ok, so we’ll address that. It is not safe to speak. And it never will be. But the thing you have to keep in mind is that its even less safe not to speak. Its a balance of risks. Do you want to pay the price for who you are and your stated mode of being in the world or do you want to pay the price for being a serf, one that has enslaved him or herself. Well that’s a major price man, that thing unfolds over decades and you will just be a miserable worm at the end of about 20 years of that. No self-respect, no power no ability to voice your opinions, nothing left but resentment because ‘everyone is against you’ because of course you’ve never stood up for yourself.

Say what you think carefully, pay attention to your words. Its a price you want to pay if you are willing to believe that truth is the cornerstone of society in the most real sense if you are willing to take that leap then tell the truth and see what happens. Nothing better could possibly happen to you. There will be ups and downs and there will be push-back and there will be controversy but it doesn’t matter. The truth is what redeems the world from hell. And that’s the truth. We have seen plenty of hell over the last hundred years. We ahven’t learned a thing from it. Wake up. Tell the truth, tell the truth. Or at least don’t lie and that’s a start. And you’ve got to understand, that’s a risk.

I said what I had to say back in September and I am sure that I could have done it better, and many people have told me how I could have done it better although it didn’t mean that they would actually do it. And you know my job was at serious risk for about two months and it destabilised my family who have been very brave about this, so thumbs up to them man, they’ve stood by me. But here’s the optomistic news. The University has left me alone completely. I shook hands with the dean about two weeks ago we are on friendly terms, they don’t want this to go any further than it has already. The students were tremendously welcoming when I came back to teach in January. I haven’t had a single negative incident at the university. And I have received thousands of letters from all over the world, all of which have been in support. I have received two negative letters, two , that’s it. People have an inchoate longing to have this sort of thing that we are talking about articulated. So don’t be thinking you are alone. Its just that people can’t talk, they are afraid to talk, or they don’t know what to say. So, if you are reasonably articulate start talking and sharpen yourself up. The enemy is a cloud of gnats. They are only courageous in groups, in mobs. If you stand your ground and don’t apologise and articulate things properly, they’ll disperse around you like they are not even there. So most of its illusion. So be afraid, but be afraid of the right thing and the thing to be afraid of is not saying what you say because its the same as not being. Here you are suffering away, you might as well be at the same time, at least then there is something to you.

Waking Up to Abuse – The Letter Bomb

zzobama

After about five years of no contact from me and the odd letter from my mother wherein she tried to contact my children or sent cards for birthdays with money in them etc, everything went silent.  We were trying desperately to put our lives back together after the cult and really had enough to focus on with our then teenage children, one of whom had been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.  Again, when I let my family know about this, the response was underwhelming. Nobody offered support, nobody even actually showed any interest, they simply just went ‘meh’ and carried on as though I had not spoken.

Then in 2012, I received this letter.

IMG_3468

This purported to be from my siblings.

At the time, I was not contacting my oldest sister because of a letter exchange which proved that she was not going to explain any of her bizarre and offensive behaviour and in which she made it pretty clear that she was about as impossible to talk to as my mother.  I had sent my other sister an email years before explaining narcissism to her and she did the same thing.  She didn’t see a problem with my mother, followed by totally bizarre and nonsensical ramblings, followed by ‘I love you’, which was hogwash because there was no love involved just a refusal to communicate.  My brother has never contacted me in over 10 years.  The last I heard from him was a bunch of political emails which I asked him to stop sending me because I would rather hear from him rather than just getting propoganda from him.  His response was that if he did what I asked he would be giving in to my attempts to control him which made no sense whatsoever.  I left a couple of messages on his phone trying to tell him when we had moved interstate and never heard from him again.

My only conclusion is that they are not impressed that I assert boundaries and expect things to carry on as they were before with the rest of the family doing things together and then excluding and ignoring me without actually explaining or justifying their behaviour.  There has never been any actual clear rift from the point of view of one thing leading to another, just me trying to get them to explain their behaviour and them either telling me to just forgive and move on, or throwing word salad at me.

So I have just given up trying to even communicate.

However this letter bomb was very interesting.

I will say that I don’t believe it is legitimate, I didn’t at the time, but I was absolutely horrified that my mother, who I believe wrote this, was willing to drop to this level of abuse to both punish me and attempt to take revenge on the fact that I have refused to any longer partake of her abuse.

Many children of narcissists will not see this letter as anything less than business as usual.  They are used to the outrageous acts and the sabotage attempts.  Many have simply given up even trying to make sense of it, they have finally come to terms with who their families are and have walked away.

I found out further proof some years later after googling around using my family’s names as search perameters.  I discovered that my oldest sister had written to a church in America called the Sunset Road Baptist Church, dated September 2013 and sent a prayer request to their prayer chain naming just about everyone she knew, first and last names. I include a portion of that prayer request here:

This is a prayer request for my Mum Joy Imrie, my sister Alison  and
her three children ****, ****** and *** M*******. My brother Robert .
My third sister and family who are estranged from us by their choice under
a christian cult/religious spirit Stephen and Anita Brady and their three
children Daniel, Nicholas and Lucy Brady.

 

The first person she mentioned was her mother, and at no point did she ever mention Alzheimers.  What she did mention however in detail was her denunciation of my family, all of my family including my children, first and last names.  She proclaimed that we had chosen to be estranged from her because in her words, we had a religious spirit and were going to a cult.  NOT because, as I had written to her, her behaviour was abusive.  Not only was she not able to recognise that I was specific in what I had told her, that her behaviour was the reason I was not contacting her, but now she was willing to ask a totally innocent and unaware group of Christians to pray for us presumably so that we would get in touch with her again and be delivered from this ‘religious spirit’ and the cult.  In fact, we had left the cult in 2004, all of us, and my sister was aware of this.  We did not have a ‘religious spirit’, we were specifically shielding ourselves from her abuse, and in fact, this prayer request was proof that her abuse was continuing.  She was clearly not above sending bogus prayer requests to God’s people expecting somehow that God would respond and somehow do something to us who according to her were still in the grip of a cult. I also don’t know anyone who feels the need to put first and last names on a prayer request.  Apparently God needs to have specific instruction on who they are praying for.  If this doesn’t look like some kind of soulish controlling prayer I don’t know what does.

To receive this letter about a year before she had made the prayer request is all the proof that I need that my mother does in fact NOT have Alzheimers. In fact, I have heard nothing from anyone in the last five years despite the fact that the letter asserts they will continue to inform me of my mother’s health issues.  There is no proof anywhere including on their facebook pages, and my oldest sister is prolific in her presence on social media, that she is looking after an elderly mother with dementia.  And in fact in a recent photo which she put up there is my mother looking clearly NOT demented and sharing both birthday celebrations AND christmas celebrations with her family.

If my siblings actually wrote this they are accountable for a pretty nasty attempt to traumatise and take revenge on my family.

If, as I believe, this was my mother’s handiwork, then it is further proof that going no contact with a malignant narcissist is the best way.

I have been sorely tempted to check out this letter directly, but that is exactly what she wants. I could have rung the blue nurses, or at least asked questions from somebody in the family for proof, but in fact if my mother didn’t actually get the satisfaction of having me run around trying to prove the veracity of the letter, she would have gotten a big buzz from having me asking questions circumspectly.  Either way she wins.  If as she probably realised I would not have bothered contacting anyone, she would know that even the merest possibility of this being true would have haunted me for ever.  How is that for ugly? Because even the possibility that it might be true – and it would not have changed anything anyway – would have caused anxiety due to the possibility of passing on the disease to her children.  I don’t have any proof that this is from her apart from her address on the top of the page.    If I go to her with the letter and its obvious she doesn’t have dementia, then she can always just deny everything.  Its genius in the complexity of its construction.

What she didn’t count on was that this letter simply proves what a heinous and unrepentant witch she is that she would torment her own children and grandchildren with a lie of this magnitude.  She clearly has no conscience and is actually beyond narcissistic but is actually a psychopath.  Not only did we have our eyes opened up many years ago via going through a cult, but our eyes were opened to the whole of the family dysfunction and how it destroys people’s minds and their lives.

There are too many discrepancies in this letter to name them all.  What triggered the immediate doubts was the fact that it was typed. Nobody in the history of letter writing has ever typed any letter to me except my mother.  Also, they did not need a ‘third party’ to find out where I was living, we were in the  phone book.  Not to mention the fact that my mother’s address is on the top of the letter and the letter was sent in Queensland.  One of my sisters lives interstate and could not have possibly been visiting my mother daily.  There is also the question of whether she was diagnosed mild or moderate, from my understanding of the disease there is quite a difference between the two, and if she was diagnosed in 2011, how come it took them a whole year to contact me when it was apparently such a huge issue?  Let me also add that people who are five years on from a diagnosis of moderate alzheimers do not go about having birthday and christmas celebrations with their children.  Also, it is stated that ‘she is fine apart from short term memory loss’. This is hardly moderate alzheimers, nor is it the sort of condition which would need medication. If somebody is having that kind of memory loss, you don’t trust them to give themselves medication, even with a couple of visits from the Blue Nurses every week.  They need daily supervision, probably in a nursing home.

So apart from the obvious discrepancies and clearly made up content, as I said, my gut instincts told me this was another attempt by my mother to get me to contact her.  There was no actual request for help but there was a stupid statement to begin with that they were ‘trying to respect my wishes regarding contact with the family as best they could’.  WHAT does that mean?  Nobody in my family has contacted me or attempted to contact me except my mother.  NOBODY.  Then all of a sudden out of the blue my siblings apparently write to me attempting to convince me that they are respecting my wishes? The fact is, the only people I ever told not to contact me was my mother and oldest sister. My other two siblings were never told not to contact me, and they could easily have contacted me via facebook or some other means in order to tell me personally that our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers.  NONE of this adds up, and the outrage I have felt for many years has prompted me finally to publish this letter as proof that my mother has finally jumped the shark.

My hope is that one day somebody from my extended family will read this and understand what happened. I have no doubt that my mother will have poisoned all the wells as much as she could have through gossip, innuendo and character assassination.  She must reign the victor, she must arise from the ashes as the clean and holy person who is without error, without taint and without spot or wrinkle.

When God calls us to honour our parents, he did not mean people like this.  This woman is an abusive and ugly person who has spent her whole life undermining, sabotaging and destroying lives, marriages, families and individuals.  She has no remorse, will not stop ever, and expects that even now, I will one day come back to her and confess how wrong I was.  My mother is going to stand before God one day.  While it would be nice to believe she will change in the intervening time, I have prayed for her for many years and now no longer pray.  She has grown worse over time.  Sometimes it is just better to see the truth, mourn the loss and recognise the poison which was injected so long ago so you can use the antidote, the blood of Jesus Christ, for yourself and your children.

 

Waking Up to Abuse – Responses to No Contact

matrix mashup

After I sent my mother the letter regarding her non-attendance at my wedding and I finally told her what I expected from her, I received quite a few more letters from her.

She did not ever apologise or explain her behaviour, she simply expected that things would go on as they did before and that it was my job to just forgive and forget.

It is impossible to have a normal conversation with a narcissist.  They will not allow you to speak in such a way that they actually listen to you and so that your words have impact.  As the child of a narcissist, you grow up believing that you have no hope and no future.  Because in fact it is as though you don’t exist.  You certainly don’t have any significance in your own family, no power, no legitimacy. It is not a surprise to me that the my siblings are miserable and have failed marriages and miserable children to boot. Nobody of course is going to admit that. The thing with the children and families of narcissists is that they have learned over the course of a lifetime to be content with the status quo and they have been brainwashed into believing that their mother is a loving caring person who would not do the traumatizing things she does on purpose.  Anyone who does not continue believing this myth is betraying the family and in particular my mother.  From what I have researched on the internet it is very common for those who do finally say ‘enough’ that they are rejected and abused further by their siblings and parents and friends of the narcissist.  Because these kinds of abusers make it abundantly clear that you are not going to get away with turning your backs on them.  There is only one choice with them, and that is to continue to receive the abuse with a smile.  This may be their ultimatum, but I refuse to accept it as have many thousands of victims who are finally waking up.,

It is very interesting to me how many people around the world are also waking up.  This is the effect of the internet. Regardless of how you explain narcissistic behaviour, and many people have attempted to, the results are the same.  Families are left bruised and burdened and utterly miserable but they will swear up and down that this is not the case and that you, the cult exiter, are simply making stuff up or are ‘just bitter’.

Thinking outside the cult group is always going to create doubt and concern within the group.  They would rather cut you off, shunning in religious circles, and ignore you than accept that you have a legitimate claim.  Family cults who deal with the whistle blowers will also either cut you off or pretend that you are just crazy.  If you continue to make a deal about it you will end up being abused further by the narcissist’s apologists because curiously, the narcissistic environment ‘creates’ more narcissists.  Often those around the main narc will mirror or shadow the behaviour and attitudes of the parent narc. This happens in cults as well.  They may not actually be narcissists, but they do just as much damage as the narcissist does and all so that they can cash in on the victimisation of the one who has broken away. I guess the thinking goes that if you can cosy up to the narcissistic parent who is now attacking the other child, you will get kudos from that parent.  You might get the kudos you are looking for but at what cost?  And let’s face it, kudos is not love, nor is it acceptance it is simply that you for now are not the victim of the abuse.  I will guarantee that when the narcissist feels like it they will target you next.

I will never forget hearing my mother tear strips off my sisters kids for no other reason that that she happened to be talking to me.  I can’t believe I stood up to her at this point because I was still in the religious cult, but I remember telling her to lay off because they were good kids.  She made the lemon sucking face and actually stopped.  In reality my mother has always been at the mental level of a three year old, except the results of her behaviour have been pretty toxic.  She has managed to contribute to two divorces and all four of her children grew up unfulfilled and hopeless, neurotic and unable to recognise abusers, two of whom joined religious cults at separate times and with separate groups.  This is not a good legacy to have.

But in response to being told that you have just drawn boundaries to their behaviour and that the results of ignoring the boundary is that you will be ignored they will simply ignore what you have said. As I have mentioned, your words are nothing because you are nothing according to the narcissist.  They will not listen to you unless you are agreeing with them, and in fact they are not really listening to you, they are simply listening for the echo of their own words.  It is not for nothing that the Greek legend of Narcissus includes the story of a Nymph who fell in love with him but was cursed with the fate of never being able to speak but simply to echo the last words of Narcissus.  The Narc eventually gets sick of hearing their own voice echoed back to them and eventually gets bored with the person who is literally hanging off their every word.  In truth, those who look to the Narcissist for mutual love and friendship are going to be treated to abuse in every sense of the word.

Waking Up To Abuse – Don’t get sick or die

nnsickness

The issue with the quilt was one of many as I have mentioned.  She varied her methods, but the attitude and approach were the same every time.

Like the time I had a miscarriage.

I got abuse from both the cult and my mother on this.  Apparently in both cult churches and cult families there are backwards reactions to things.  During times of stress or difficulty when you would normally get care and concern, cult churches and families turn on you and attack you.

 

When I had come home from the hospital after the miscarriage, Steve had asked my mother if she would come and sit with me and help look after Daniel our two year old.  Except he had specified staying at our house. Not that my mother had exactly offered to look after our two year old at her house.  She turned up and then spent the next couple of days moaning about everything.  She finally told Steve she wasn’t going to stay any longer as she wanted to be in her own bed. There was no sympathy regarding the miscarriage, there was no concern about my welfare, she just upped and left figuring that she wanted the comfort of her own home.  Normal mothers would have offered to have both of us at her place so that she could both partake of the comforts of her own home AND help us out.

I remember that my oldest sister had gone through a number of miscarriages over the years before I married and during these episodes there would be much rolling of the eyes and rude comments from my mother.  According to her my sister had somehow arranged these events to annoy my mother.  This was normal any time anyone expected her to somehow exert any energy on their behalf.  Getting sick however was something she did not tolerate and would often say that we were ‘bunging it on’.  This meant she thought you were lying about how you felt. This kind of response is common to narcissistic abusers since they simply project their own issues onto everyone else.  You are not really sick, you are just looking for attention, like she does when she pretends to be sick.  In reality, you are sick and you do require attention because you are a minor and it is her job as the person who brought you into the world to actually minister to your needs.  But that is too much to ask for somebody who has the divine right to both rule and be served.

But deaths in the family were treated as though they happened to somebody else.

When my mother’s sister died, she rang me up to inform me.  The first thing she did was ask if I knew who ‘Aunty Pat’ was.  I was three and a half when we left London to come to Brisbane and I had heard my mother talking about her brother and sister my whole life. Not only did I know who they were, I had received Christmas presents from her and had written thankyou notes both to her and my cousins, her children.  The fact that my mother figured I didn’t know who Aunty Pat was simply reinforced the truth that her own relationships with her family were not normal.  She was simply projecting her own careless attitude and lack of intimacy onto me.  She told me about her sister’s death with brevity and the same detached tone a newsreader would use.  There were no tears, no sense of loss, no actual pain in her voice.  It got to the point that I actually said to her “It’s OK to grieve Mum”, thinking that she was in denial.  I got a non-commital response.  At the time I thought she was just not coping.  I was to get a fresh insight into her coping skills when my father died.

Dad died on Saturday 31 July 2004. He would have been 100 in January last year.  But my mother’s responses during his last days in hospital and his funeral were pretty damning evidence of her character disorder.  We were coming to a place where I think Steve was finally recognising that the cult was a bad place to be so my father’s death was a very important catalyst to our exit.  I never went back to church after this and Steve only went back one or twice I think.  The Sunday after the funeral, one elder had gone up to Steve to ask where I was.  Steve had told him I was with my family that day.  This man then told Steve to tell me to ‘Stop feeling sorry for myself’.

Dad was not actually dying of anything like cancer or heart disease, his body had lived a full life and at 88 and a half, he was finishing up.  He had a visit on one occasion by a pregnant witch doctor with two flying monkeys.  This woman, I had not seen her before, had come into the room, proceeded without any warning to tell my father what would happen as his body went into death as though she was discussing the procedure of an operation.  It was the most cold-blooded and totally unnecessary act I had ever witnessed from a member of the medical profession.  I was so shocked I just sat and stared at her.  At least her flying monkey’s (two interns) had the grace to look uncomfortable.  But here’s the kicker, when I told my mother about this woman, it turns out that she had done it once before, when my mother had been at my father’s bedside.  It is further proof that narcissists go into particular professions in order to make the most of their position amongst the vulnerable and weak.  It doesn’t help that society thinks doctors are gods and few actually have the courage to speak up when they say or do stupid and cruel things.  I wish I had not been in such a vulnerable position myself.  If I had that time again I would have given that woman a lecture on childbirth and told her exactly how painful it is blow by blow.  As a narcissist however, she would simply have enjoyed watching the pain in my face.  My reaction, as a child of a narcissist, was probably the best response.  Grey rock, albeit a bit shocked grey rock.  Fortunately for my poor father he did not have his hearing aid in, so he didn’t get most of what she said.

The day my father actually died I was not there.  I got a phone call from my mother that Saturday night informing me that he was gone.  She also informed me that both of my sisters had been present when he died (he died in his sleep) and did I want to come and view the body.  It was not my imagination that she sounded slightly triumphant when she told me this. It wasn’t until later that I realised that she thought they had somehow scored a blow against me by having been present at my father’s death.  I told my mother that no, I did not want to go and view the body and she immediately said “No, I didn’t think you would want to”.  More triumphalism. She was right once again.  This is why I do not believe narcissists should be given any leverage by psychologists claiming they are simply poor sad victims of abuse from their own parents.  They choose how they act and who they do it to.  They choose their words and they know their victims, especially when it is their own children. They know how to shove in the barbs and when in order to do the most damage, and not even the death of their own husband is going to change that.

I found that out pretty quickly.

The morning of the funeral my sisters and I were at my mother’s house. At one point somebody made a funny remark about something and we laughed at it.  The children in our family had always joked during uncomfortable moments, it was the only way we knew to deal with the situation.  According to my husband who was in the room at the time, my mother who had been on the phone to her cousin had made some nasty comment upon hearing us laugh that ‘they will feel differently when they are at the funeral’.  She was angry with us for apparently having no respect for the dead, when in fact this was all just projection on her part.  She was the one who was not actually grieving. Apart from a brief flurry of tears when I started crying on the phone when she told me Dad had died, that was it.  I did not see her cry ever, did not see her show any signs of grief or any concern that the husband of over 50 years was now dead and she would be on her own.  If you didn’t know any better you would think she was actually happy he was gone.  I will never forget standing in their bedroom while she flung open the doors of the wardrobe and told us to take something that belonged to Dad ‘Whatever you like’ as though this was a garage sale.  Dad had only just been laid to rest, and we all looked at each other and felt very uncomfortable.  Then she made the remarkable statement that she was going to ‘beat Dad’ and made sure she lived longer than he did as though this was a race and she was going to win.  My mother was ten  years younger than my father.  She is now 91.  Looks like she certainly did ‘beat him’ and if that was all she cared about then she has gotten her wish. The only problem is that she is going to die sometime and when she does she will still be spending the same amount of time in hell as he does. She doesn’t realise that living longer is simply the grace of God to give you time to recognise your need of a saviour.

The Christmas after my father’s death was a doozy.  My oldest sister, who was divorced, and my brother, who was also on his own were going to spend that Christmas with my mother.  I rang early in December and asked about coming to spend Christmas with her. She made it abundantly clear that she did not want me or my family to spend Christmas with them.  She claimed that she could only ‘cope’ with two family members at a time and that it would be too much work for her.  My mother had never made any fuss about us spending Christmas with her before.   We have never expected her to do all the work, if we were at her house we always offered to wash up, help with the meals etc.  My mother was never left on her own.

I found myself once again inexplicably trying to get my mother to acquiesce to something that most normal mothers would jump at the chance to do.  She made it abundantly clear that she didn’t want us there and told me that she was going to ‘look after myself for once’.  Which made no sense, because she was not having Christmas on her own, just Christmas with only half her children.  My other sister living in Tasmania was not part of this situation.  So we were made to feel as though we were simply trying to freeload off my mother when in actual fact we were thinking she would need people around her on the first Christmas without my father.  She did not offer another day on which she would love to see her grandchildren, or offer to come and see us on a different time.  I did not hear from her for two weeks and then I got a phone call.

She was sounding very happy and energetic and told me excitedly that she was going to spend two weeks with my sister Alison in Tasmania because “she didn’t get to spend Christmas with me”.  I should point out that never in her life had she rung me to let me know that she would be gone for two weeks because she was spending time with my sisters. She would regularly fly to north Queensland and Tasmania where they lived and not once during those years did she let me know she was going, she and my father simply left.  Now all of a sudden it was imperative for her to give me a heads up.  I was floored, but also angry.  I was facing her usual game of one-upmanship. Not only did she exclude us from her family Christmas, but she was letting us know that her visit to my other sister was because she didn’t get to attend Christmas.  My mother was going out of her way (clearly not the grieving widow at this point) to fly all the way to Tasmania on her own in order to visit the poor dear who did not get the chance to be in her presence for the holidays.

I was not going to let this go.  I called her on her hypocrisy and her response was ‘Are you jealous?’.  I remember totally wilting at this come-back.  Of course that was what it was all about.  She wanted us to not only feel rejected but to be jealous of the other children who were being given ‘normal’ treatment.  I made the sarcastic rejoinder ‘Yes, Mum, I must be jealous’.  It completely went over her head.  She brightened up after this and said that she would have a coffee with me when she got back.  No comment about her grandchildren or my husband, it was me she was trying to get at.  So I made her promise.

A couple of weeks after she returned I rang her up to organise having a coffee together.  Over the next few weeks I got every type of excuse from ‘its too hot’ (as though coffee shops don’t have air conditioning), to she wasn’t well.  Eventually however, I got her to agree to a day.  We spent approximately an hour together, she was visibly uncomfortable and clearly not enjoying herself the whole time and I felt like a total idiot.  Why try and force your own mother to do things with you when she clearly is not interested.

Narcissistic mothers however don’t make it this simple.  They swing from being ‘normal’ to being vicious and sadistic and you will never know when the swing will happen because they are experts at picking the worst possible time to turn on you. Then when they do turn on you, they will make sure you know that it is your fault.

 

 

Waking Up to Abuse – The Next Round

zz abusers

It was not enough that I had had it out with my mother regarding our wedding.

In fact, the wedding issue was just the beginning.

Her behaviour went Jekyll and Hyde at regular intervals.

I will never forget arriving home after our wedding.  I was a month pregnant, we were trying to set ourselves up in our own place, and I had come back to my mothers’ place and collected my things.  One of the things I collected was a quilt I had had as a child. My mother was using it on her guest bed and had done so for some time.  I did not mind this, since the room was hardly ever used, but after marrying and becoming pregnant certain of my belongings had greater significance than before. Therefore, I took the quilt with me as I left that day.  As I was walking out the door, my mother plucked the quilt off the top of the pile I was holding and said “No you don’t”.  I said “That’s mine”, and she replied “No, it isn’t”.

This quilt was indeed mine.  When I was a little girl I had sewn some squares together rather inexpertly to form a quilt. My mother didn’t want them, they were in the rag bag, so i asked if I could have them, she showed me how to sew them together, and I eventually ended up with a piece that would cover my single bed.  My mother then offered to make a valise for the patchwork, so what I ended up with was a bedcover.  She then told me that she was going to give this to me for Christmas.  I could say that I was underwhelmed at being given something for Christmas that I had actually made, but I was used to this kind of gift giving, and in fact I had no choice about it anyway.  So it was mine twice.  I made it, and I was given it as  Christmas gift.

It had been on my bed since then and for the few years after I left home, my mother had it on her guest bed.  Now apparently it belonged to her.  There was no time at which I had ever given it to her, but she didn’t want me to have it either.  Because my mother was going to fight me for my quilt, my husband picked up on the hostilities, and being a good and compulsive suck-up at the time (he is OK with me saying this), he didn’t stand with me against my mother, he simply told me to back off.  Of course it worked, because I was also a compulsive suck-up and didn’t want to embarass my new husband and his brother (who was helping us move at the time).  So my mother got to keep the quilt.

Some time later, after enough time had passed for me to move on but not so much time to forget what happened, we were in my mother’s house and I was looking at a set of cushions on her chairs I did not recognise.  She saw me looking at them and said casually “Oh, do you like my new cushion covers? I cut up that old quilt that nobody wanted and made cushion covers out of it”. And she had.  She had not just cut up the very long and large valance which would have done just as well.  No, she cut up the patchwork top which I had made.  What was the point of this?  Punishment for contradicting her lies and challenging her abuse.  Note that ‘nobody wanted the quilt’ – a blatant lie, but also, truth for her.  She didn’t want the quilt, she just didn’t want me to have it. So just in case I might have figured on getting it back at some point, she ensured that I never would.

She stood there smiling boldly and innocently at me and I just went numb and cold like I usually did at her attacks.  I said nothing, did nothing, just moved on.  I had no choice.  But I did not forget what she did.  This was deliberate, designed to humiliate and control and destroy.  But she destroyed more than just some material.  She destroyed our relationship.

Events like this are peppered throughout my history with my mother.  They started when I was about three and have continued up until about 2012.

The last attack is one I have pondered for five years, and I feel the need to present my case publicly.  Although we have been no contact with my mother and subsequently one of my sisters for some time, both my mother and oldest sister have attempted to humiliate and control me via the internet and private letters.  But these attempts to control me are going to stop, mainly because I am not going to just pretend its all OK.

I have decided to finally publish the letter my mother sent me which purports to be actually from my siblings.  It is an interesting case, because it proves to what depths she will sink if she thinks she will get away with it.  My mother may be 90 something now, but her level of abuse is sicker than it has ever been and she will stop at nothing to get back at me  for refusing to bow to her manipulation and attacks.  They are ferocious and don’t just affect me, they affect my family.  I am standing up for them as much as I am for my self.

Waking Up to Abuse

zz narc

I haven’t spoken to my birth family for some time.

When we came out of the cult, I began to look for answers.  No straight away, because all you can do initially is breathe in and out and eat. And sometimes you can’t even eat.

After about two years, I started a blog.  It was called ‘Tales From The Crypt’.  I am writing a sequel to that blog which you can access on the menu page.  In the sequel I write about what actually happened at BCF.  During the blog years, I wrote a sanitised version, mainly because I was so terrified of the consequences of speaking up.  But as I have since discovered, the results were not as terrifying as I expected.  Abusers thrive on telling their victims not to talk.  But the threats are empty.  Bad stuff doesn’t happen because you tell. There are often people who are in fact helped and encouraged by telling your story.  It’s the reason the internet is filled with people who tell their stories and then get thousands of  hits.  People need to know that others have suffered as much as they have, and they need to know there is hope, an answer to that suffering.

While I was writing the blog, I discovered a whole lot of other blogs about abuse; spiritual abuse, sexual abuse, and familial abuse.  I had not heard the phrase ‘dysfunctional family’ before, and while I loathe and detest the so called ‘psychology’ professions because they make a boat load of money from vulnerable people without actually offering viable solutions to their problems, some of their fraternity are actually good people. And some of those good people are actually compassionate listeners, moreover, they are good analysts – in a non-psycho way (with everything that implies).  If these good people stopped taking money for their pains, or at least not so much money, I could at the very least applaud their work.  On the other hand, it takes money to publish a book, so kudos to you…people like Marti Laney Olsen and Dr. Elaine Aaron.

During my many years as a researcher and writer of blog posts I began to understand why we had gotten ourselves involved, without realising it, in a cult.  I had the revelation that my family was actually a cult, and that the very same dynamics which I thought were evidence of ‘godly men’ was in fact evidence of dysfunctional men.  So not only did my understanding of abuse need to be corrected, my understanding of the universe did too.

I tried talking to my sisters about narcissism.  Both of them, 8 and 11 years older than me, despite having gone through divorces, one of which was with an abusive man who got my sister involved in a religious cult,  sought to discredit what I was saying and ignore what I presented to them.  It was deeply disturbing, but alas as  I was to find, not uncommon. Whilst attempting to discredit the information, they still said things like ‘we love you’.  At this point however, I was beginning to recognise that saying ‘I love you’ doesn’t actually mean that they do.  It just means they don’t understand words are symbolic of actions not wishful thinking.

The upshot of trying to talk to my sisters about our family dysfunction was that I realised I was on my own.  Meanwhile my husband was also trying to talk to his family about their dysfunction.  Same deal.  Apparently both he and I were in the same boat.  We were middle kids of largish families, we were the invisible kids whose job it  became to serve everyone else’s interests and shut up. We did such a great job of it, we decided to take on the position for life.

Hence, when our parents did heinous things, we did not even recognise them as such, we simply apologised for our shortcomings, grovelled a bit more, and never noticed the glint of victory in the eyes of those who were enjoying the grovelling.

It wasn’t until we left the cult and (quelle surprise) were also rejected by our family members for again some unknown reason that we realised something was not quite right.  Much later we realised the reason was that as broken cult survivors we were now needing help and support from our families.  I have often thought of the old parable of the Little Red Hen in these situations.  Everybody wants a piece of you when they get their needs met, but to actually offer help to somebody else is too much to ask.

In the process of, well, processing I wrote my mother a letter which was to become something of a catalyst for issuing a ‘no contact’ to my family.

When I married, in New Zealand, in 1989, nobody from my family attended the wedding.  None of our friends did either, but as we were to learn later, the church we had attended had been sucked by that time into the cult.  It was not a coincidence that my family remained politely detached as well.  I say politely because in both cases, there was no animosity, no actual reason that nobody attended the wedding. They just weren’t interested enough to go.  Now, we had attended all their weddings.  I had gone to my sisters, my sisters had attended each other’s weddings, my brother and parents had likewise gone to all the weddings until mine. We had also attended all of our friend’s weddings, in some cases being best man.

And here’s the really interesting thing.  My sisters at the time lived about as far away from Brisbane as you could get. One in Hobart and the other in Townsville, both about three hours flight away, both involving some organisation to get to, but both were visited by my parents and brother at regular intervals several times a year.  It would have been unthinkable for them to not visit each other. Distance and money were no object, they were family, therefore they enjoyed visiting each other.  You might think, maybe it was because we were Christians.  Well, my oldest sister claims to be a Christian and married a professed Christian on her first wedding.  No issue there, everyone came to the wedding.

So how was it that everybody, to a man, without even bothering to offer an excuse, reason or justification just simply didn’t turn up.  Nor did they apparently think that I would have a problem with it.  Steve didn’t count either it seems because nobody offered him any explanations.  Life just carried on as before.

It wasn’t until we actually asked for explanations that things began to get very nasty.

I will never forget the phone calls my mother and I had days before the wedding.  She told me she couldn’t afford to come to the wedding. Of course, I tried everything I could think of to reduce the cost, my mother in law actually offered accommodation.  No deal. My mother, without actually offering any solace or proof that she wanted to come, kept insisting she had no money and could not make it on that account.

All well and good, it happens sometimes you might say.  But there was no offer to come later and visit us when they did have money (we were staying an indefinite amount of time in New Zealand).  The really interesting thing about this was this.  My parents offered to help pay for the wedding when they thought we were having it in Brisbane.  They were going to pay for the venue etc.  They had money.  As soon as we told them we were getting married in Christchurch, all of a sudden they had no money.

Yet, a week after the wedding, they sent us a cheque for $1000.

Six months after the wedding, we came back to Brisbane and they picked us up in a brand new car.  My parents never bought brand new cars.  They were frugal and always drove second hand.  Wow, great for them, you might think.  Yeah, wonderful.  Except the timing of this sudden burgeoning of their finances is a little curious considering at the time both of my parents were retired.  They had no extra money coming in, they just suddenly decided to purchase a $30 000 car a few weeks before we arrive back in Brisbane.

They had money for what the considered important.  They just refused to spend it on flying to Christchurch to see us get married.

Now, you might think that this is an awful lot of who-ha decades after our wedding and why am I writing about it now.  Because it took me until I was 44 to have the guts to question my Mother on this issue, and when I did, she didn’t simply politely reiterate her original excuse, or even elaborate on things a little more and talk to me as one adult to another.  I wrote her a respectful letter asking her why she didn’t come to the wedding when she clearly had the money to do so.  What I received was a hateful spiteful letter threatening and attacking with no thought to the consequences of her words.  She told me she was not going to address the subject of my letter, my wedding, simply because I had accused her of lying.  Then she threw about a dozen accusations at me, including that I had withheld my children from her and that I needed to see a therapist because I was apparently ‘always writing things like this’. It was the first letter I had had the courage to write to anyone like that, we had never withheld anything, including our children, from her, and I was already seeing a counsellor. It was the counsellor who told me that it ‘wasn’t normal’ for a whole family not to attend their daughter/sister’s wedding for nno apparent reason and think that she will be OK with that.

After a couple of exchanges, I explained to my mother that if she could not talk to me with respect and courtesy, I did not want to talk to her at all.  She modified her tone in the next couple of letters, but the accusations were the same, and her utter horror at ‘being accused by her own child of lying’ apparently was too great for her to control her irrational outbursts.

Interestingly, I had not ever said the words ‘you are a liar’.  All I did was point out that she had said she had no money and then sent me money a week later.  I said the evidence was contradictory and did she have an explanation for that.  It just proved that she was not willing to be held accountable for her actions and that she would spin a whole lot of hyperbole and false accusations at me for having the temerity to talk to her as a middle aged woman and not kow-tow to her hysterics as I used to do as a child.

The upshot of the letters was that I told her that until she began to treat me with respect and stop the abuse we would no longer welcome contact from her.  She has never apologised,  not stopped sending letters and has refused to explain any of her actions. Instead, she has simply continued her campaign of character assassination and lies.

 

Forum Bullies and Abusers

narcissist chicken

This is a letter which was posted on a forum which is now defunct. But I wanted to have this letter up because the cult which we used to belong to destroyed the forum not once but twice.  While this is neither here nor there for us because we had our own blog going to expose the abuses of this cult since 2006 (Tales from the Crypt), there will be many who will lament the forum’s passing.

We put this letter up last year and within a few months the forum had been hacked.  They don’t like being exposed, moreover, they don’t like being told off publicly.  Mild conversation about the cult’s activities was acceptable, almost, but having the temerity to take on one of their cult imposters was too much for them evidently.

This is one for all the cult survivors in Brisbane and Australia, and well, let’s just say everywhere.

An Open Letter To An Anonymous BCF Member who abuses the name of the prophet Haggai,

I have been reading your posts for the last six years. Not a lot has changed. You ask the same questions over and over in different ways.

Are you genuinely expecting people here to adjust their glasses, take a good long look at you and say ‘My but that boy knows what he is talking about, I must consider what he says’.

I am sorry but that isn’t going to happen.

You set yourself up as an antagonist right from your first post.

Anybody who sings the praises of the elders in this place is going to be treated to the same response from the people here.

You have absolutely no understanding of human nature. You think that you can come here and have an impact but all you are doing is providing grist for the mill, proof that the BCF eldership are malicious and eternally vengeful and that sending you here to taunt and provoke is just another ploy from them.

No, you will tell us, you are an independent agent, not an agent of the elders. But you told us that you were yourself in your first paragraph, and have reiterated that over and over.

I saved your first post all those years ago so that I could analyse it for myself. I kept it just in case, and it is proving to be an interesting journey going back to look at who you used to be and comparing it to who you are now.

I normally only read on this forum, but I finally decided to share what I have learned with the forum.

Here is a reminder of what you wrote back then, six years ago.

I currently attend BCF. I do not in any way, shape or form represent BCF. I am involved in the youth program and have committed myself to a life of discipleship and training under the hands of the eldership of the lamp at BCF among the wider Lampstand of Restoration Fellowships International. No-one has asked me or influenced me to contact this group (or similar). In fact, when speaking casually with some of the elders here, they advise me to tread carefully in what I read and see (after watching the Four Corners program on ABC). Again, let me say, I am not their representative.

Now that I’ve got the disclaimer out of the way … What is the issue here?

I understand everyone has their own reasons for leaving the church (as with any church) but why label it a cult? Why create a forum to share past experiences of leaving said cult? and why praise the efforts of those who have left? … would you do the same for a mainstream Baptist, Pentecostal or Catholic church? I am keen to demystify any confusion about BCF and related churches through scripture. The word of God is true. If this is not the foundation of your faith, then how can you call yourself a Christian?

Now, although I have grown up in this church, I am not familiar with the likes of books that ex-bcf-ers would have read at the time of their leaving. I am not going to try defend statements or quotes from text that I most probably haven’t read. I am in the age bracket of 17-25, so please, state your disagreements and I will try to reply with scripture or if what you claim to happen, in reality, doesn’t I will let you know. I will try to keep an open mind to each reply that comes.

I do not endeavour to bring you back to xCF (although if I have that impact I’d be joyed) … I wish to remove the hostility between our church and your families for aren’t we One Body of Christ. When we get to heaven will there be a section for the baptists, another for the Jews, another for the Catholics etc … each denomination believes that they are the true church. I cannot change that mindset, however I can attempt to remove barriers – especially those barriers which block family members.

Also, just another disclaimer, I will not be checking this all the time. Probably a few times a week – depending on the amount of responses. I have set it to send me an email as replies come in, but I am busy and replying on this forum needs to be crafted to maintain scriptural accuracies so I need time to research

When I read this post six years ago I analysed it carefully, tore apart its semantics and quickly came to a number of conclusions. It is full of plot holes, inconsistencies, contradictions and just plain old bluster. It is the work of a genuinely deluded, arrogant and objectionable person who ignores completely anything which doesn’t line up with his own confident analysis of a situation. Nothing more is needed in your head than for the people of this forum to line up with their grievances so that you can solve all their problems for them. Moreover, and this underscores your insolence perfectly, you will tell the members of this forum if what they think happened actually happened. In other words, you will be the author of their reality. If that doesn’t scream abuser, I don’t know what does.

What’s really scary is that you haven’t changed.

Six years on and you are still spouting the same palaver with the same attitude clearly expecting that if you shout at the forum loudly enough for long enough people will listen to you.

So how is that working for you then?

What you have never understood is that people here have been beaten down, broken and abused. In fact, YOU have been broken down, beaten and abused. The difference is that you don’t know it yet. Your mind has been taken over, your heart and conscience seared and your emotions crippled. You have never known what it is like to live free from oppression. I am sorry for you.

But when you come here, you take on the identity of your abusers and out of your mouth comes the malicious abusive words we are so used to.

Do not expect that anything will change until you leave BCF.

You think you can keep coming here and doing your multiple personality disorder dance, now an abuser, then an apologist, again feeling sorry for yourself and sucking up to people, and then back to being an abuser.

People here are sick and tired of watching that dance. They LEFT their respective fellowships to get away from that, but Satan is making sure that you are going to never let them forget that he is always in there trying to bruise our souls, to steal our faith and destroy our relationships one more time.

You keep asking why people are here talking about what happened to them?

Seriously?

There is only one reason why anyone would ask that sort of a question, and that is to engage people in defensive argument. Get people on the defensive and you can control them because you are the one asking the questions.

It’s a good ploy, but it has nothing to do with engaging people in genuine relationshjp.

But you don’t know how to do that.

We do, because we had relationships before BCF, and we knew what that was all about, and we developed relationships out of BCF as we recovered.

Again, I am sorry that you were born into such a screwed up toxic environment.

But then again, you come here and abuse people.

People want to show you compassion here, I have seen it, I have felt their hearts as they have tried to talk to you. Sometimes it looks as you write that you recognise that too. But then you go back to abusing them and asking really really offensive and dumb questions.

You are too screwed up to be allowed to be let loose on a forum like this.

I still would like to know why you haven’t been tossed off by now.

But then on the other hand, you have never actually joined the forum have you.

Six years and counting and you are still a ‘guest’. It speaks volumes about your inability to let go of your loyalties to your masters and simply just talk to people about yourself. Your real self.

That’s what everyone else does.

But you don’t have a real self. You just have a series of tapes which go on in your head telling you what to say here and what to do there.

You hear these words so much they mean nothing to you. Yet when somebody says something to you that you don’t like, you complain about being ‘kicked in the guts’.

Then you get people apologising for ‘kicking you in the guts’ when all they did was speak the truth. It’s fun isn’t it. All you need to do is sqwark and people will tell you that they didn’t mean to hurt you. People do that because they know what its like to hurt, they have empathy. But you already know that don’t you. You know how to manipulate people, that is what you have been taught by your masters.

People only need to apologise for sin against you, and nobody here has sinned against you.

You have sinned against them.

You have come here questioning their authenticity, speaking with an assumed authority, telling them that they have no love, that they don’t treat you well, that you are not being respected or words to that effect. But you have absolutely no genuine respect for anyone here because you keep sinning against them. You keep abusing them, you keep saying the same ugly things.

You tell us that you are a disciple of the BCF elders but that you don’t in any way shape or form represent BCF. A disciple represents his master, and even more importantly the Greek term for “disciple” in the New Testament is mathetes, which means more than just “student” or “learner.” A disciple is a “follower,” someone who adheres completely to the teachings of another, making them his rule of life and conduct. When scripture tells us to ‘make disciples of all men’ Jesus is saying that we are to make men into His disciples, NOT the disciples of the preacher or elder.

Your colours have been flying openly since your first post and your allegiances are evident. You still tell us that ‘you just love those guys’. You haven’t changed your slave status. Therefore everything you say and do will be a walking, talking testimony to the elders of BCF, those ugly and barbaric individuals who have spiritually raped and tortured their flock for decades.

Unfortunately, and you won’t realise this because you are deceived, but you can’t come onto a forum of abuse survivors as the spokesperson of the people who abused them (despite your protestations to the contrary) and then tell them how to live their lives. Anyone outside of BCF would not even have to be told that.

Six years later and you still haven’t learned.

I have news for you. Jesus is the good shepherd who will find the lost and hurting ones and heal them. Luke 4 says that Jesus came to heal the broken-hearted, to set the captives free and to free us from oppression. He is the one doing the work that is necessary. Anything you attempt to do in his stead is going to not only be purely of the flesh, but is going to cause more harm.

But here is the thing.

Anybody on this forum is more than capable of pulling apart every word you speak and telling you how you are wrong, wrong and even more wrong. But it would make no difference. You live to debate. You will not be convinced by argument and you will not listen to people who know more than you do. You cannot understand what other people have experienced because you have no imagination nor any empathy. You can’t put yourself in other people’s shoes, and you don’t want other people’s experiences to affect or inform you in any way at all. The only people you will listen to are the one to whom you are enslaved to. Paul tells us in Romans 6:16

Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness”

You obey the elders, you are their slave.

You are also placing men in the place of the Holy Spirit, which makes you an idolator. Idolatry has always been a grievous sin in God’s eyes. You should also know that idolators will not inherit the kingdom of God and since you are so fond of referring to the judgement seat of Christ, you need to consider the words of your own epithet. (1 Corinthians 6:9)

Or as Paul puts it in 1 Corinthians 10:

Now these things became our examples, to the intent that we should not lust after evil things as they also lusted. 7 And do not become idolaters as were some of them. As it is written, “The people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play.”[a] 8 Nor let us commit sexual immorality, as some of them did, and in one day twenty-three thousand fell; 9 nor let us tempt Christ, as some of them also tempted, and were destroyed by serpents; 10 nor complain, as some of them also complained, and were destroyed by the destroyer. 11 Now all[b] these things happened to them as examples, and they were written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the ages have come.

12 Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.

While I am at it, Jesus also said that you can’t serve two masters because you will love the one and hate the other. You can’t serve God and Vic Hall, and Vic Hall does not serve God. Therefore you will hate God and everything that is connected to God. You hate those who have left BCF because BCF is not of God and those who have left are proclaiming that fact. This forum is a means to proclaim that truth, and therefore you hate this forum and all who are on it.

This forum was taken down by Vic Hall’s computer wiz kids (sounds like children with bladder problems). But another weapon in his arsenal is the spy who infiltrates. You have infiltrated this forum, in the same manner that the snake infiltrated the garden.

Rather that you face the ugly truth here with your insults and arguments and inane questions than go to your death never having heard it. Some people have sat in BCF their whole lives and never even heard the gospel. You need to hear the truth, and if it hurts, that is good! It is the kind of hurt that will set you free if you let it. It’s the pain of being born son. Embrace it!

If you can’t relate to us from the reality of your own soul, then all you are doing is throwing fire crackers into an open flame. You just want reactions, you want argument and you want to annoy and frustrate the good people of this forum to the point that they try every means they have at their disposal to try and either reason with you or appeal to your heart. Which is a shame because you are neither open to reason nor emotional appeal.

A person who is deluded and as abusive as you has only one option open to them.

You need to be a) born again and b) filled with the Spirit and then you will be able to speak with wisdom and show compassion and mercy, two qualities which you have never in the last six years shown any evidence of.

Ever.

I don’t see a brother in Christ.

I don’t see a man who knows what its like to experience the joy and the freedom of relating intimately with his Lord and Saviour and who understands the joy of relating to others in the Spirit.

You know a lot of stuff, you can argue with the best of them, your head is filled with information. You come on this forum and swagger and bluff your way around. Its’ why you get people angry, because you like the attention.

But it’s also why you don’t want to meet anyone face to face or pick up the phone and talk as some here have suggested you do. That would break the spell wouldn’t it?

You can write till your fingers cramp, but your heart is as cold and as hard as the hearts of the Pharisees. Like the Pharisees, you want people to look up to you. You are covetous of position and influence and actually, just power.

So you come onto this forum and you survey what is here and what people are saying and you figure you have us all summed up. We are an easy target. Victims who seek to assert themselves and give themselves a voice generally are. Forums are an even easier place to pick off prey. Everyone at the water hole is distracted because they are there to find refreshment. The predator on the other hand is there to fill his belly.

I have seen men like you on every possible page of the internet, and in particular on pages where there is an emphasis on intellectualism and the use of language to destroy not only your opponent’s argument but your opponent’s soul.

I have seen men who purport to come from the Calvinist tradition, the Baptist tradition, the Jewish tradition, the Pentecostal tradition and even the Emerging church who out of all of these traditions has made huge headway by redefining the language most Christians are used to. Except they move the goalposts every time they want to score a point against somebody else. These are all the things that you do. All of these men do the same thing, they turn the word of God into a weapon aimed at their fellow believers, and they then turn their sights on demolishing other people so they can emerge the victor.

Anyone who isn’t bamboozled by language can look at these poor sad wretches with their keyboards and their computer brains and realise that these guys know absolutely nothing about real relationships.

Because if they did, they would not be making love to their keyboards, they would be relating to their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

But here’s the thing. You don’t recognise us as being part of the body of Christ. You won’t admit this on screen because that would be too much like being vulnerable. But your lords and masters have dismissed us the way they do everyone who leaves. They hate people who leave and they must destroy our reputations to the people left behind. So they tell us that we are ‘not of them’. They tell us that we will suffer terrible consequences for leaving. They say these things with blank voices and passive faces and condemn us to hell and then wipe their mouths and move to the next meal.

But we are survivors. We deserve a damn medal for what we have survived, we have been bloodied and burned and trashed beyond recognition some of us, you need to take off that mask and have a look at some of the people who have left your lovely never land. I have seen people your age in shopping malls who have left. Young men who spent their whole lives in BCF and finally couldn’t take it any more. They look like the walking dead. They look like recovering drug addicts with tormented pale faces and sunken eyes, some needing anti-depressants to keep going, others simply morphing into unbelievers. They go from being happy clappy conformists to the Vic-culture of BCF, and become what they truly are when they leave. They were never changed so when they left they left as they were born, unbelievers. Not everyone goes through this, but enough do, and I have seen them and my heart goes out to them. They are lost, orphans and wanderers. And Vic will sit back, pleased as punch with his ‘discipline measures’. He has sent them to the devil. The trouble is, they were never Christians to start with. They were given just enough of the gospel to immunise them against the truth, and when they were no longer given the blue pill, when they no longer swallowed the kool aide, they looked at the world as it really is and despaired.

We have all been through the devastation, some have emerged less scathed than others. Myself and my family are doing pretty well now. But for many years after we left there was simply existence, not life.

God is blessing us mightily. We are learning so much, the Holy Spirit is baptising my children, who are all well into adulthood now. But they are growing and changing into the likeness of Jesus Christ. My children, all about your age, were born into BCF too. But we left before they were old enough to be pummelled by anyone else. They left before they were loaded into the cattle-cars and into the concentration camps of young adults or teenagers. I truly feel sorry for you. You have been through a great deal.

But coming here and trashing the faith, hopes and heroic efforts of my brothers and sisters in Christ is NOT OK.

You need to do what you said you were going to do. You need to leave.

And NOT come back here.

We have recognised our own foolishness in being ensnared by fear of man and we will not do it again.

But you, all you have is the endless, agonizing and hopeless quest for attention and recognition from your ‘fathers in the faith’. They drop you a few breadcrumbs from time to time, and your ego does the rest. It doesn’t take much for young men like you and in fact the more men like you suffer from pride and vanity, the louder and more aggressive you become. It is a whole lot of spiritual chest beating, In your case, your position is so untenable that you have to come to a forum where people are empowering themselves with encouragement and support from their own experiences and browbeat everyone into submission to yourself.

You need to stop it.

I rebuke you in Jesus name demon over the life of this young man.

I rebuke you and command you to leave him alone and allow Jesus to speak to him and change his heart from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh.

Do not come back here demon. You are not welcome, and I will continue to pray against the works of the enemy in your life and coming against the lives of the people here.

I pray that your ears and eyes are opened to the truth.

What difference does any of this actually make to you I might ask?

How Satan Works

zchurchstorm.jpg

 

Be sober, be vigilant; because[c] your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 10 But may[d] the God of all grace, who called us[e] to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. 11 To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.  (1 Peter 5:8-11)

The overriding means by which Satan works is described in Scripture. He prowls around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour, the enemy has come to steal, kill and destroy.

Prowling suggests stealth and predation. He is looking for those who are the weakest so that he may devour them.

A roaring lion is declaring his territory. We know that demons or fallen angels have their own geographical areas over which they have been given authority. Their authority however is limited to the demonic realm. They can influence and affect human beings and also enter into them and control them and in this way they have power over what humans do. Most heinous crimes are not committed by human beings on their own, they are willing accomplices to demonic plans and purposes. Sometimes this happens without their knowledge but never without their consent. I am not talking about Satan worshippers, I am talking about ordinary human beings who willingly engage in sin which opens the door to the demonic realm and creates strongholds which then turn into gateways for demonic beings and their associates to come in and take hold of that human being. And the last state of the man is worse than the first.

Satan told Jesus Christ that he could give Him the kingdoms of the earth if He fell down and worshipped him. The absolute arrogance and foolishness of this statement proves that Satan himself is deceived. He is deluded, he is insane. He was in eternity before the throne of God leading the worship of God, and here he is demanding that Jesus worship him. Mostly of course his methods are not this direct and confrontational. I have heard stories of believers who have met with Satan in this kind of way, but they are few and far between. Usually we have to deal with subtle or else not so subtle attacks.

So Satan is about stealing that which does not belong to him. He is about murdering, or taking life and he is about destroying. He not only destroys and kills those who are under his power, he destroys and kills Christians, as the many thousands of martyrs over the centuries will attest to. I don’t believe Satan has been given power over the church in the way that he will have over the saints during the Tribulation for example. I think those who have been killed as martyrs for the faith were a small percentage of the church and those ones will receive a greater reward for their suffering in heaven. I think causing death is probably not something God allows for every Christian, only those who are appointed to it as the apostles and others were. On the whole, Satan wishes to destroy but is thwarted by God as in the case of Job. There are many other examples of believers who have been saved from death by angels or just circumstances which change. I have read many stories of those who were saved from certain death simply by listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit and changing their travel plans for example.

Following are ten methods which I have found in my own life and the lives of others I have known that Satan uses to steal, kill and destroy the work of God and the people of God. This list is by no means exhaustive, but I thought it was kind of fun to be alliterative. Please add your own entries to the list in the comments section. I would love to hear from you.

Deception – either counterfeiting that which is of God or changing the gospel so that the power of God’s word is void because the Word which was brought by Jesus and the apostles is not being taught. Scripture tells us that the power of the Word of God is unto salvation. This is not possible if the actual word of God is not being taught.

For example, if it is taught that Jesus is not the Son of God, or God himself, and simply a ‘good teacher’, and there is some other way of entering heaven, or finding God the creator/father, then this is a false gospel. It has no power, except to deceive, and deception as the means Satan uses to enslave human beings is extremely powerful.

Jesus told his disciples to be careful that they would not be deceived.

Discouragement – causing doubt and fear to come upon the believer

Despair – causing the believer to cease believing

Dismemberment – attempting to pull apart anything that is knit together, such as families, marriages or congregations

Devolution – attempting to cause the work of God to go backward to its original state or cease to exist

Derangement – attempting to cause the work of God to be disjointed or to cease working in a way which brings glory to God

Dissolution – attempting to dissolve groups or communities completely so they no longer exist as such

Disunity – creating discord and ill feeling amongst the body of Christ

Distraction – causing individual believers or groups to lose focus on what God has called them to do, usually with the things of the world. The things of the world are designed to distract us from the things of God.

Deadly Sins – Causing the believer to be overwhelmed with the weight of sin and causing them to be so filled with doubt that they do not come to Jesus to be washed and forgiven.

Happy Un-Mother’s Day

zgothel.png

Wouldn’t it be great if everyone who had a Narcissistic mother woke up one day and realised that they had been kidnapped as a baby and this wasn’t their real mother. Somewhere out there was a woman who had actually given birth to you and loved and cared for you. Who hasn’t had the fantasy as a child that you were adopted?

Scripture is very clear about how normal mothers feel about their newborn babies.

26 Then the woman whose son was living spoke to the king, for she yearned with compassion for her son; and she said, “O my lord, give her the living child, and by no means kill him!”

But the other said, “Let him be neither mine nor yours, but divide him.

27 So the king answered and said, “Give the first woman the living child, and by no means kill him; she is his mother

(1 Kings 3:26,27)

Can a woman forget her nursing child And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.

(Isaiah 49:15)

Even jackals offer the breast, They nurse their young; But the daughter of my people has become cruel Like ostriches in the wilderness.

(Lamentations 4:3)

As one whom his mother comforts,
So I will comfort you;
And you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.”

(Isaiah 66:13)

But even in some of these verses, you can see the dichotomy.  Sometimes, a mother will forget her child. Sometimes our mother will forsake us, sometimes a mother is cruel, sometimes a mother will kidnap another child as her own and deprive the child and the other mother of that sacred bond which both nurtures and maintains life.

Yet, when our mothers do forsake us, we are promised in scripture that God will take us up.  So we are not abandoned, and not forsaken.

When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me (Psalm 27:10)

Disney’s character of ‘mother Gothel’ in the animation ‘Tangled’ is about as close as it gets to a perfect portrayal of maternal narcissism.  This woman is only interested in one thing, maintaining her youth.  She steals, lies, destroys families, and does this systematically and continually until such time as her victim, Rapunzel, ‘wakes up’ and recognises that she has been had.

Interesting that it takes an intruder into her very small world to open up her mind to the possibilities which lie outside.  She wants to know what the lights in the sky on her birthday are for, her rescuer, Flynn, just wants the valuable crown.  Both the anti-hero  and the villain of the piece are deeply selfish.  In the movie, Flynn ends up ‘falling in love’ and then changing his ways (which never happens), but Gothel does not change. She was a narcissistic witch, she remains so at the end when she of course dies. For that is the only way you can get rid of somebody like this, fictionally speaking.  Unless you want a sequel.  In real life, you have to cut off the predator/villain from your life, because they have targeted you and will not stop until they have destroyed you.  It is your destruction which gives them ‘life’.

In this movie Gothel has no supernatural powers in and of herself. The character is ‘human’ and must therefore manipulate Rapunzel to stay in the tower by fear and deceit.  I was totally amazed at how the creators of Gothel described their villain.

Seeking inspiration for Gothel and Rapunzel’s “bizarre” relationship, Greno and Howard conducted a series of interviews with several female Disney employees,[2] asking them to list qualities in their mothers that “they found annoying and cloying or restricting”,[7] specifically “the things that their [sic] mothers would do that made them feel trapped or made them feel smothered” in order to make the villain appear more relatable.[6] Gothel’s “Mother Knows Best” line “Getting kind of chubby” was in fact borrowed from one of these interviews.[8] Gothel embodies “the darker side” of overprotective parents;[7] at the beginning of the film, Gothel and Rapunzel’s relationship resembles more-so of “a pure mother-daughter relationship.” Elaborating on Gothel’s “unique mothering style”, Howard explained to Den of Geek that the character “has to convince this smart girl that she is her mother … whatever her motivations are.”[3] Citing Gothel as one of the film’s most difficult characters to develop as a result of her complex relationship with Rapunzel, Greno explained to Den of Geek:[3]

“Mother Gothel can’t be mean. She has to be very passive-aggressive. She was one of the hardest characters to crack. When we were developing her, people were saying that she doesn’t feel enough like a villain, and people would point to characters like Ursula. And then she was too dark for a while … Because what you do with her directly affects how you play Rapunzel in the movie. Because, if you play an extremely dominant and cruel villain, that girl is going to become meek and downtrodden, with almost nothing of a person, with low self-esteem. And we knew we didn’t want a character like that … We had to balance it out, and figured that Gothel has to be more subtle than that, rather than a one-note, domineering mother.”— Co-director Nathan Greno to Den of Geek.

Mother Gothel – Wikipedia

 

Clearly the creators of this character weren’t setting out to create a narcissist. At no point in their lengthy description of the development of this character did they mention the word ‘narcissist’.  They wanted evil, but they didn’t want anything overt.  They wanted her to be charming and convincing, but at the same time manipulative and underhanded.  What they got however, was a narcissist. Whether they wanted to or not, and anyone with a narcissist mother will watch this movie with a mixture of amusement and discomfort.  It is a superb characterisation and the women whom the directors interviewed clearly had narcissistic mothers themselves without realising it. They got to share their experiences with the movie makers and lo and behold, Disney nailed it.
So, as Mother’s Day looms, how do Christian adults cope with God’s command to ‘honour your mother and father’.  This is the first commandment with a promise, and therefore we feel obliged, if not compelled to honour those who gave birth to us. There is an element of fear which attends the thought that if we don’t obey God in this, we will suffer.
Let’s think about this for a second though.
When a child is born, the first instinct is to reach out for comfort and help.  If that comfort does not come in the form of human contact and affection, it has been recorded that a child, even though it is being fed, will not survive.  So we look to our mothers to give us that nurture.  As a mother of three, I can say without reservation that you give your child what they need and recognise the terrible weight of responsibility caring for that little tiny scrap of life is.  You don’t have to be told to do it, you are literally losing sleep over it.  It is normal and natural for mothers to love and nurture and protect their children.  It is normal and natural for children to love and cling to and wish to please their mothers.
So why did God have to command the Israelites to honour their father and mother? There would have been rebellious children in their midst who refused to obey their parents.  If this commandment is the first to reward obedience with long life, it is my belief that rebellious children and teenagers will inevitably shorten their lives by doing stupid things, not listening to their mothers when they tell them how to stay safe, and consequently will probably die of a preventable cause because of foolishness.
That said, looking after widows in both the old and New Testaments is considered to be a responsibility of the children and/or families of the widow. Jesus also chastised the Pharisees whose traditions contravened the law God had given them.
He answered and said to them, “Why do you also transgress the commandment of God because of your tradition? For God commanded, saying, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; [a] and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’[b] But you say, ‘Whoever says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me is a gift to God”—   (Matthew 15:3-5)
This seems to be in relation to finances.  Much has been said on this subject of caring for widows and orphans, or in this case, even the fathers who are too old to work for themselves. Where the widow has no family, it is the responsibility of the church.
Parents are not only given a huge responsibility, but so are families.  We are to love and care for those who cannot care for themselves.  Dare I say that this responsibility should also be a natural outgrowth of the Christian whose life is now in Christ?  John talks a great deal about the love of the brethren being an indicator of having the love and life of God within us.  Why would we abandon our parents if we were true believers?  We would not.  This is the very reason we have these dilemmas.  For believers who have the revelation that their parents, or more pertinently their mothers are narcissists, abusers who refuse to change and sinners who refuse to repent there is the added responsibility of bringing them to the understanding that it is not acceptable to keep abusing their own families.
We are not commanded to honour the unrighteous, and we are commanded to relate to God ‘in truth’. Therefore, where as adults we are able to recognise and confront evil, we must do so even if it be in our own parents.
The world wants to pretend that evil mothers don’t exist.  There seems to be only one place where you will find solace if you have a narcissistic mother and that is on the internet.  Here, people can share their stories without being attacked because there are so many other adults who grew up with narcissistic mothers.
Even the creators of the classic narcissist ‘Gothel’, don’t name her as such. They think she has good qualities.  The woman who voiced this character, Donna Murphy, says…

“I also think there is this thread of a kind of love that she does have for Rapunzel. It’s not what she set out. But she does raise this child and it’s the most intimate and certainly the most sustained relationship I think the woman has had in her 387 years or however old she might be. So as deep as the need is to get something for herself, she can’t help but fall in love with her. She’s spirited, creative, and charming and I think that stirs something in her that is confusing for Gothel. And Gothel has to keep reminding herself of what is most important, which is taking care of herself. But I think there is a genuine kind of humanity. It’s by degree, it’s not unconditional love but there is a love that develops.”

— Donna Murphy to Collider
Murphy claims Gothel is in love with the child.  In fact, Gothel is in love with Rapunzel’s hair, not the person who owns the hair.  She talks to the hair, she is affectionate to the hair.  To the girl, she is abusive, rude, hurtful and sadistic.  There IS no relationship with Rapunzel.  I think Murphy wants, as many others do, to believe that everyone is redeemable.  Scripturally this is not true.  While it is true that God does not wish any to perish,  scripture also makes it clear that not everyone will inherit the kingdom of God.
Gothel is an example of those mothers who think that they are beyond reproach, and that their needs come before anyone else’s.  She is not just selfish, she is self-absorbed. She is in love with herself, and not the girl she is raising.  This is a good example of the warped sense of ‘motherhood’ that the world has.  The world thinks that motherhood and fatherhood magically confer upon human beings a ‘goodness’ which is not natural. Only God is without sin, only God’s fatherhood is perfect, and human beings are not capable of being truly godly parents.  Goodness is only possible if we have been born again of the Spirit of God and have changed natures.
.11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him.  (Matthew 7:11)

Jesus was referring to the fact that Adam and Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  We are evil in our natures, but we know the difference between good and evil and know how to give good gifts to our children.  Even the so called ‘good’ parent can bless their own child despite the fact that in comparison to God they are evil.  It is strange that a truly evil parent, such as a narcissist, also is able to give good gifts to their children.  It is this very understanding of what is good and evil which indicts them. It is why we as children don’t run from their evil the first chance we get.  We are groomed to question ourselves first, because ‘mothers are good aren’t they?’  Therefore it must be us as children who have done something wrong in order for our parents to treat us this way.

It is important for Christian adults with Narcissistic mothers to recognise that they have always honoured their mothers.  It is the mothers who have dishonoured them.  This means that we don’t just send our unrepentant mothers gifts and cards to tell them how much we love them.  What we need to do this mothers day is recognise that these people are evil.  That as adults we do not owe them anything, especially if these mothers claim to be Christians as many of them do.  We do not owe a wicked reprobate parent any gifts or protestations of love and acceptance.  In love, we need to confront them with their evil and help them recognise that we are no longer willing to remain passive victims. If they refuse to stop abusing and indulging their own fleshly natures, they must be treated as any reprobate.

If we truly did not honour our parents, we would not be asking the question “how do we honour our abusive parents?”.  This question proves that we do not wish to disobey God, nor do we wish to dishonour our parents.  We do not have, or at least I hope we don’t, rebellious dishonourable hearts.

It is time for the world to recognise that human beings are not born ‘good’.  Babies are born innocent of blame because they have not committed any sins yet.  But as they age and get to the point of understanding right from wrong, you will see that they choose wrong just as many times as they choose right.  Humans who are taught morals will still make their own decisions to go their own way, rather than the way of right and truth.

Narcissists are simply those who love evil and themselves more than they love good.  They need to recognise their sins and repent of them.  Until they do, we are not able to ‘honour them’ as our mothers, because in fact they are evil reprobates.  Yes, they gave birth to us, and we tried very hard to please them because we loved them as our mothers.  Coming to the understanding that our mothers don’t actually love us is very disturbing.  But it does not mean we have to pretend, or accept the worldly attitude towards mothers.  The world says mothers can do no wrong because they will always love their children.  The world believes motherhood is somehow sacred and must not be touched.  Yet how much of this mother worship is in effect ‘goddess worship’ of the form that takes place in the Catholic church, which took the goddess worship from pagan cultures and conflated it with the virgin Mary and the baby Jesus.  Mothers are not goddesses who cannot be confronted with their own sin.

God says ‘when my mother and father forsake me’, not if.  God knows the depravity of human nature and does not impose false measures and weights upon us.  He is just, righteous and all-seeing.

Thank God that He is able to deal with these women. We do not have the ability to judge and deal with them. All we are called to do is recognise the sin and call them to salvation and repentance.  If they refuse, then we follow the scriptural directions for the unrepentant.  “From such turn away”.

It is not dishonouring parents to chastise them and deal with their actions.  It IS honouring parents to show them the error of their ways, and ensure that they know that you will not deal with their abuse any longer.

 

Further reading:

Luke 173 Ministries “Is God Really Telling Us To Honor Abusive Parents?”