Happy Un-Mother’s Day


Wouldn’t it be great if everyone who had a Narcissistic mother woke up one day and realised that they had been kidnapped as a baby and this wasn’t their real mother. Somewhere out there was a woman who had actually given birth to you and loved and cared for you. Who hasn’t had the fantasy as a child that you were adopted?

Scripture is very clear about how normal mothers feel about their newborn babies.

26 Then the woman whose son was living spoke to the king, for she yearned with compassion for her son; and she said, “O my lord, give her the living child, and by no means kill him!”

But the other said, “Let him be neither mine nor yours, but divide him.

27 So the king answered and said, “Give the first woman the living child, and by no means kill him; she is his mother

(1 Kings 3:26,27)

Can a woman forget her nursing child And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.

(Isaiah 49:15)

Even jackals offer the breast, They nurse their young; But the daughter of my people has become cruel Like ostriches in the wilderness.

(Lamentations 4:3)

As one whom his mother comforts,
So I will comfort you;
And you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.”

(Isaiah 66:13)

But even in some of these verses, you can see the dichotomy.  Sometimes, a mother will forget her child. Sometimes our mother will forsake us, sometimes a mother is cruel, sometimes a mother will kidnap another child as her own and deprive the child and the other mother of that sacred bond which both nurtures and maintains life.

Yet, when our mothers do forsake us, we are promised in scripture that God will take us up.  So we are not abandoned, and not forsaken.

When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me (Psalm 27:10)

Disney’s character of ‘mother Gothel’ in the animation ‘Tangled’ is about as close as it gets to a perfect portrayal of maternal narcissism.  This woman is only interested in one thing, maintaining her youth.  She steals, lies, destroys families, and does this systematically and continually until such time as her victim, Rapunzel, ‘wakes up’ and recognises that she has been had.

Interesting that it takes an intruder into her very small world to open up her mind to the possibilities which lie outside.  She wants to know what the lights in the sky on her birthday are for, her rescuer, Flynn, just wants the valuable crown.  Both the anti-hero  and the villain of the piece are deeply selfish.  In the movie, Flynn ends up ‘falling in love’ and then changing his ways (which never happens), but Gothel does not change. She was a narcissistic witch, she remains so at the end when she of course dies. For that is the only way you can get rid of somebody like this, fictionally speaking.  Unless you want a sequel.  In real life, you have to cut off the predator/villain from your life, because they have targeted you and will not stop until they have destroyed you.  It is your destruction which gives them ‘life’.

In this movie Gothel has no supernatural powers in and of herself. The character is ‘human’ and must therefore manipulate Rapunzel to stay in the tower by fear and deceit.  I was totally amazed at how the creators of Gothel described their villain.

Seeking inspiration for Gothel and Rapunzel’s “bizarre” relationship, Greno and Howard conducted a series of interviews with several female Disney employees,[2] asking them to list qualities in their mothers that “they found annoying and cloying or restricting”,[7] specifically “the things that their [sic] mothers would do that made them feel trapped or made them feel smothered” in order to make the villain appear more relatable.[6] Gothel’s “Mother Knows Best” line “Getting kind of chubby” was in fact borrowed from one of these interviews.[8] Gothel embodies “the darker side” of overprotective parents;[7] at the beginning of the film, Gothel and Rapunzel’s relationship resembles more-so of “a pure mother-daughter relationship.” Elaborating on Gothel’s “unique mothering style”, Howard explained to Den of Geek that the character “has to convince this smart girl that she is her mother … whatever her motivations are.”[3] Citing Gothel as one of the film’s most difficult characters to develop as a result of her complex relationship with Rapunzel, Greno explained to Den of Geek:[3]

“Mother Gothel can’t be mean. She has to be very passive-aggressive. She was one of the hardest characters to crack. When we were developing her, people were saying that she doesn’t feel enough like a villain, and people would point to characters like Ursula. And then she was too dark for a while … Because what you do with her directly affects how you play Rapunzel in the movie. Because, if you play an extremely dominant and cruel villain, that girl is going to become meek and downtrodden, with almost nothing of a person, with low self-esteem. And we knew we didn’t want a character like that … We had to balance it out, and figured that Gothel has to be more subtle than that, rather than a one-note, domineering mother.”— Co-director Nathan Greno to Den of Geek.

Mother Gothel – Wikipedia


Clearly the creators of this character weren’t setting out to create a narcissist. At no point in their lengthy description of the development of this character did they mention the word ‘narcissist’.  They wanted evil, but they didn’t want anything overt.  They wanted her to be charming and convincing, but at the same time manipulative and underhanded.  What they got however, was a narcissist. Whether they wanted to or not, and anyone with a narcissist mother will watch this movie with a mixture of amusement and discomfort.  It is a superb characterisation and the women whom the directors interviewed clearly had narcissistic mothers themselves without realising it. They got to share their experiences with the movie makers and lo and behold, Disney nailed it.
So, as Mother’s Day looms, how do Christian adults cope with God’s command to ‘honour your mother and father’.  This is the first commandment with a promise, and therefore we feel obliged, if not compelled to honour those who gave birth to us. There is an element of fear which attends the thought that if we don’t obey God in this, we will suffer.
Let’s think about this for a second though.
When a child is born, the first instinct is to reach out for comfort and help.  If that comfort does not come in the form of human contact and affection, it has been recorded that a child, even though it is being fed, will not survive.  So we look to our mothers to give us that nurture.  As a mother of three, I can say without reservation that you give your child what they need and recognise the terrible weight of responsibility caring for that little tiny scrap of life is.  You don’t have to be told to do it, you are literally losing sleep over it.  It is normal and natural for mothers to love and nurture and protect their children.  It is normal and natural for children to love and cling to and wish to please their mothers.
So why did God have to command the Israelites to honour their father and mother? There would have been rebellious children in their midst who refused to obey their parents.  If this commandment is the first to reward obedience with long life, it is my belief that rebellious children and teenagers will inevitably shorten their lives by doing stupid things, not listening to their mothers when they tell them how to stay safe, and consequently will probably die of a preventable cause because of foolishness.
That said, looking after widows in both the old and New Testaments is considered to be a responsibility of the children and/or families of the widow. Jesus also chastised the Pharisees whose traditions contravened the law God had given them.
He answered and said to them, “Why do you also transgress the commandment of God because of your tradition? For God commanded, saying, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; [a] and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’[b] But you say, ‘Whoever says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me is a gift to God”—   (Matthew 15:3-5)
This seems to be in relation to finances.  Much has been said on this subject of caring for widows and orphans, or in this case, even the fathers who are too old to work for themselves. Where the widow has no family, it is the responsibility of the church.
Parents are not only given a huge responsibility, but so are families.  We are to love and care for those who cannot care for themselves.  Dare I say that this responsibility should also be a natural outgrowth of the Christian whose life is now in Christ?  John talks a great deal about the love of the brethren being an indicator of having the love and life of God within us.  Why would we abandon our parents if we were true believers?  We would not.  This is the very reason we have these dilemmas.  For believers who have the revelation that their parents, or more pertinently their mothers are narcissists, abusers who refuse to change and sinners who refuse to repent there is the added responsibility of bringing them to the understanding that it is not acceptable to keep abusing their own families.
We are not commanded to honour the unrighteous, and we are commanded to relate to God ‘in truth’. Therefore, where as adults we are able to recognise and confront evil, we must do so even if it be in our own parents.
The world wants to pretend that evil mothers don’t exist.  There seems to be only one place where you will find solace if you have a narcissistic mother and that is on the internet.  Here, people can share their stories without being attacked because there are so many other adults who grew up with narcissistic mothers.
Even the creators of the classic narcissist ‘Gothel’, don’t name her as such. They think she has good qualities.  The woman who voiced this character, Donna Murphy, says…

“I also think there is this thread of a kind of love that she does have for Rapunzel. It’s not what she set out. But she does raise this child and it’s the most intimate and certainly the most sustained relationship I think the woman has had in her 387 years or however old she might be. So as deep as the need is to get something for herself, she can’t help but fall in love with her. She’s spirited, creative, and charming and I think that stirs something in her that is confusing for Gothel. And Gothel has to keep reminding herself of what is most important, which is taking care of herself. But I think there is a genuine kind of humanity. It’s by degree, it’s not unconditional love but there is a love that develops.”

— Donna Murphy to Collider
Murphy claims Gothel is in love with the child.  In fact, Gothel is in love with Rapunzel’s hair, not the person who owns the hair.  She talks to the hair, she is affectionate to the hair.  To the girl, she is abusive, rude, hurtful and sadistic.  There IS no relationship with Rapunzel.  I think Murphy wants, as many others do, to believe that everyone is redeemable.  Scripturally this is not true.  While it is true that God does not wish any to perish,  scripture also makes it clear that not everyone will inherit the kingdom of God.
Gothel is an example of those mothers who think that they are beyond reproach, and that their needs come before anyone else’s.  She is not just selfish, she is self-absorbed. She is in love with herself, and not the girl she is raising.  This is a good example of the warped sense of ‘motherhood’ that the world has.  The world thinks that motherhood and fatherhood magically confer upon human beings a ‘goodness’ which is not natural. Only God is without sin, only God’s fatherhood is perfect, and human beings are not capable of being truly godly parents.  Goodness is only possible if we have been born again of the Spirit of God and have changed natures.
.11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him.  (Matthew 7:11)

Jesus was referring to the fact that Adam and Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  We are evil in our natures, but we know the difference between good and evil and know how to give good gifts to our children.  Even the so called ‘good’ parent can bless their own child despite the fact that in comparison to God they are evil.  It is strange that a truly evil parent, such as a narcissist, also is able to give good gifts to their children.  It is this very understanding of what is good and evil which indicts them. It is why we as children don’t run from their evil the first chance we get.  We are groomed to question ourselves first, because ‘mothers are good aren’t they?’  Therefore it must be us as children who have done something wrong in order for our parents to treat us this way.

It is important for Christian adults with Narcissistic mothers to recognise that they have always honoured their mothers.  It is the mothers who have dishonoured them.  This means that we don’t just send our unrepentant mothers gifts and cards to tell them how much we love them.  What we need to do this mothers day is recognise that these people are evil.  That as adults we do not owe them anything, especially if these mothers claim to be Christians as many of them do.  We do not owe a wicked reprobate parent any gifts or protestations of love and acceptance.  In love, we need to confront them with their evil and help them recognise that we are no longer willing to remain passive victims. If they refuse to stop abusing and indulging their own fleshly natures, they must be treated as any reprobate.

If we truly did not honour our parents, we would not be asking the question “how do we honour our abusive parents?”.  This question proves that we do not wish to disobey God, nor do we wish to dishonour our parents.  We do not have, or at least I hope we don’t, rebellious dishonourable hearts.

It is time for the world to recognise that human beings are not born ‘good’.  Babies are born innocent of blame because they have not committed any sins yet.  But as they age and get to the point of understanding right from wrong, you will see that they choose wrong just as many times as they choose right.  Humans who are taught morals will still make their own decisions to go their own way, rather than the way of right and truth.

Narcissists are simply those who love evil and themselves more than they love good.  They need to recognise their sins and repent of them.  Until they do, we are not able to ‘honour them’ as our mothers, because in fact they are evil reprobates.  Yes, they gave birth to us, and we tried very hard to please them because we loved them as our mothers.  Coming to the understanding that our mothers don’t actually love us is very disturbing.  But it does not mean we have to pretend, or accept the worldly attitude towards mothers.  The world says mothers can do no wrong because they will always love their children.  The world believes motherhood is somehow sacred and must not be touched.  Yet how much of this mother worship is in effect ‘goddess worship’ of the form that takes place in the Catholic church, which took the goddess worship from pagan cultures and conflated it with the virgin Mary and the baby Jesus.  Mothers are not goddesses who cannot be confronted with their own sin.

God says ‘when my mother and father forsake me’, not if.  God knows the depravity of human nature and does not impose false measures and weights upon us.  He is just, righteous and all-seeing.

Thank God that He is able to deal with these women. We do not have the ability to judge and deal with them. All we are called to do is recognise the sin and call them to salvation and repentance.  If they refuse, then we follow the scriptural directions for the unrepentant.  “From such turn away”.

It is not dishonouring parents to chastise them and deal with their actions.  It IS honouring parents to show them the error of their ways, and ensure that they know that you will not deal with their abuse any longer.


Further reading:

Luke 173 Ministries “Is God Really Telling Us To Honor Abusive Parents?”







The Banality of Evil or Ockham’s Razor applied to Malignant Narcissism. I wish.

This goes for MNarcissists as well

I have met narcissists who have been at one time or another capable of greatness.  When I say greatness, I don’t mean curing diseases or instigating world peace.  I am talking about simply having humanity and reaching out to others and helping them in times of great distress in an apparently selfless move.  They can sometimes be so disturbingly benevolent that you wonder what on earth makes them do the horrible things they do when they don’t have to. At first meeting, narcissists are the nicest people who would ever guess that they were actually the worst?  It’s the classic bait and switch.

Ockham’s Razor is a philosophical principle named after an English friar which states that given a number of alternative explanations, the simplest is usually the right one.  When it comes to narcissists, I submit that they are simply evil.  Satan has been known to transform himself into an angel of light, so why not his offspring.  Malignant narcissists have done some breathtakingly awful things, and in this day and age that is saying something. For every human who has trafficked others, imprisoned others for their own gratification, gone on a killing spree or taken part in systematically reducing the lives of others to hellish agony for decades at a time, you will find beneath the façade of banality, a monster.

What is more banal than the human family.  They are everywhere, we all have had one at some point.  If you think in terms of blood relations, every human being has a father and mother, each one of them has a father and mother, and often they have siblings.  A malignant narcissist is born somehow and in some way.  There is no apparent set of circumstances which produces malignant narcissists.  They can have good parents, bad parents, abusive parents and still they are born and grow up. Yet psychologists repeatedly tell us that narcissism is the result of being abused as a child.  So how come so many victims of abuse don’t end up as narcissists.  If you ask me, this is just another way to pathologies the victims of abuse.  And excuse narcissism.  I have heard everything from ‘everyone has some characteristics of narcissism’ – which is about as useful as saying ‘nobody’s perfect’- to telling us that narcissism is actually a good thing so don’t worry about it.  Right.  Next time you have a client who is having a mental breakdown because of abuse from a MN, see how helpful that explanation is.

I say again, the best explanation doesn’t require a vast psychological knowledge, just the ability to make deductions based on logic.  Maybe there are just some people who are evil.

You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it. (John 8:44)

The hardest type of malignant narcissist to spot in my experience is the young person, especially young women.  They can be so innocent looking, so dewy eyed and so eager that its hard to imagine that they are actually plotting world domination.  However, they are really only plotting the domination of everyone in their world, not the outer world around them, the real world where billions of others live.  Malignant narcissists exist in a bubble, so everyone else’s worldview is not the same as theirs. Nobody suspects young malignant narcissists, especially older people.  It’s only when they do or say something which is disturbingly reminiscent of the last malignant narcissist you encountered that you do a double-take.  Wait a minute…what?

I have always had to make my brain work at this point.  I have a natural resistance to drawing conclusions of this sort about people who seem so obviously normal. But honestly, it’s the only time you are ever going to have an opportunity to pull yourself up before you commit to believing the lie.  And they are so very good at lying.  They act.  They convince, they market themselves all in such a subtle way that you never know you are being played.  Because why play somebody over something as banal as normal interaction. You are not trying to impress an agent, or the producer of the movie you want to be in. This is life, the person they are talking to is you, nobody special. But they want to impress you, and that even in its own small way, is still flattering. So you let yourself be flattered because it feels good.  But then there is the second and third conversations, often not face to face, could be  phone or email conversations, but something always turns up which makes you question your previous assessment of the individual.  Wait a minute….what if? Nah…..

Then they will say or do something really very obviously narcissistic, and you have had some experience with these people, you know their lingo and their mannerisms because it’s as though they were all trained by the same person in some covert black ops programme to churn out charming crazy people.  So it goes from wait a minute, to ‘are you kidding me……really?’  Then you get that gut wrenching thing which tells you that you were right, and they are, and you need to just avoid them, and now they have had a conversation or two with you they think you are their best friend, and you have to let them know you aren’t.  Which then alerts them to the fact that you are On To Them. Then things get really juicy, because you watch the façade drop, and the acid start to drip, and you are now in the middle of Def Con 2.  It could all go up at any time.  So be prepared.

If you had just never figured it out.  But you know what would happen. If you hadn’t figured it out, you would be in boots and all with another narcissist.  It’s both the joy and the hell of knowing all about narcissists.  They know who knows who they are, and they will never forgive you for that.  But how are  you supposed to avoid this?  You have been through one or two experiences with malignant narcissists, and have had your entrails sucked up out of your ear, so you know how terrible they can be.  So you learn. It’s what humans do.  But alongside learning, you also put your experience into practice.  Know your enemy, avoid your enemy.  Not, engage your enemy, because if you do, your life will be world war 3 all over again, only this time instead of sucker punches you will be awake, aware, and informed.  The malignant narcissists worst enemy.  How did you get to be that? By living through the last world war.

Narcissists can ignore anything except people who know who they are.  They simply detest those who catch on to them, especially if you do it on first meeting.  I have met a number of older female malignant narcissists who you can spot at fifty paces.  It’s both something in the expression of both their faces and their presentation.  They are as fake as hell, but they have eyes filled with bitterness and contempt whilst trying to convince you that they are your best friend.  It doesn’t work anywhere near as well when you aren’t this sweet dewy-eyed thing anymore.  And people usually end up with the faces they deserve.