Loose Canon


There is a huge cache of written analysis and testimonial on the internet. Let’s call it the canon of lay-knowledge relating to abuse.  I don’t include the works of professional psychologists here because, especially in relation to Narcissism, these works hadn’t made it onto the internet until a vast supply of information from non-professional quarters had been published.  I am more than a little suspicious that all of a sudden online psychology magazines take Narcissism as their pathology du jour just when there is a critical mass of interest and discussion.  Psychologists after all are part of the mental health industry and it is in their best interests to be where the work is.  That said, this body of knowledge, this accepted canon (accepted by the victims of abuse that is) holds an interesting conundrum.

Many of us, including psychologists, are good at recognising the problem and it’s patterns. We are good at describing those patterns.  We just can’t really understand why they do it or how to fix it.

It seems that in the main chronic abusers are either psychopaths or malignant narcissists.  These are the types of people who act purely on a desire to create chaos and destruction and they seem to sadistically enjoy seeing the pain in their victims’ eyes. In plainer terms, they abuse because they want to.  This is an almost impossible concept to understand and if you have trouble getting your head around this, be grateful. It means that you are an empathetic individual with a conscience – most of us are.   Certainly all of those who share their experiences of abuse and abusers have trouble understanding why they were victimised in the first place.  It seems that generally speaking you don’t have to do anything to be targeted for abuse.  You can be born into an abusive family, or you marry an abuser, or you are friends with an abuser or you work with one.  They are, unfortunately, everywhere.

The psychologists will tell us that abusers were born that way or that they were made that way by their parents or somebody who abused them. That makes about as much sense as stating that everything in the universe came from an explosion of nothing into something.  Abusers may be born with certain genetic material which makes them more likely to be abusive, and yes they may also have been abused by others as children. But if abuse causes abusers, then what happens to all those siblings of abusers. Why aren’t they out abusing everyone.  And if there are in fact abusers who enjoy abusing, then this counters the argument that they were so traumatised by their abuse as children that they simply go out and abuse others because they don’t know any better.

The problem is that nobody understands why malignant character disordered people do what they do.  There are many suggestions as to why, but nothing definitive. Nothing at least which satisfies most of us. Personally, I believe that abusers who enjoy abusing others and do it without remorse and do it even more when you try and point out that their actions are hurting you are simply wicked people.  It sounds trite, but as a Christian, I believe that this is actually a biblical explanation.  I won’t go into it on this post, but I believe there are precedents in scripture.  Good men have had evil sons.  Jacob and Esau are a perfect example of two sons born to the same man; one who was favoured by God and one who was profane, or godless. Job the righteous had delinquent kids for whom he needed to sacrifice daily ‘just in case’, and King David’s son tried to overthrow his rule.  The patterns are historical, writ large and undeniable. It simply remains for the rest of humanity to ‘get it’. Why is it that many of us feel that this will never happen?

There is a greater question in my book, even greater than why it is that wicked and repellent people do what they do. And that is, how do they manage to get away with it?  They seem to have a network of supporters, some who are both powerful and influential, who will deny the possibility that the abuser could do any wrong.  They are not just loyal friends, they seem to be devoid of any ability to question or critically assess the reports of victims.  It seems to be a near constant, at least from my own research over the last decade or so, that abusive people are more likely to have a Greek chorus of apologists and adherents than the genuinely deserving.

Internet blogs and commenters tend towards calling this Greek chorus ‘flying monkeys’ which is a cute phrase taken from the Wizard of Oz.  The witch in this movie/book had an army of literally flying green monkeys who did her bidding.  However, the term has a larger meaning in the online canon of abuse and abusers.  A flying monkey is somebody who not only does the bidding of the abuser and applauds their every move, refuses to believe what the victim says because they are invested in believing that the abuser is a good person, but also will gossip and spy on the victim and carry information to and from the abuser in an attempt to reinforce the abuse. They are not the silent and innocent bystander (who by the way is also an accessory), they are co-abusers.  They turn the acts of abuse by the individual into a reign of terror.

Why would anyone do this?  To me this question has even greater import than working out why abusers abuse.  At least ‘being evil’ carries the understanding that some people just love being mean.  Every child who has ever seen a Disney villain or a pantomime will know that some people are just evil.  In real life of course, that brainwashing loses its impact.  Evil is not obvious, it is very often banal, to quote  Hannah Arendt’s book ‘Eichmann’ which was based on the trial of Adolf Eichmann, the nazi war criminal.  She posits the theory that people who carry out evil acts are not necessarily psychopaths but simply following the orders they are given.  Stanley Milgram, a sociologist carried out a series of experiments at Yale University in the 1960s from which he asserted that 7 out of 10 people will follow orders from somebody they perceive as an authority even if those orders are hurtful and wrong.  This may explain the mindset of flying monkeys in some cases, but often the monkeys are not in a position of working for the abuser or even relying on the abuser for ‘orders’.  Often the flying monkeys are simply friends with or relatives of the abuser, whom they seem to genuinely like and respect, and they believe that the victim of the abuser, moreover the victim who speaks out against the abuser, is actually the evil person. This assertion is both counter-intuitive and counter-logical.  Simply speaking the truth does not make you bad or even abusive.   I don’t know whether flying monkeys do what they do because they truly believe that victims are lying about their experiences or whether they are attacking the victim in order to avoid having to look at the facts that the victim is exposing.  Either way, their actions are often worse than the original abuse because in their zeal to protect the abuser, they are re-traumatising the victim.

If you read the previous post relating to the rape victim from the Master’s University, you will see a classic case of the abuser’s supporters creating even more trauma for the victim of the rape than what she originally experienced.  The upshot of these flying monkey’s actions was that the rape victim was denied the right to graduate despite having already finished three years of her degree and having her name slandered and her character assassinated in the college community she had known all that time.  Few people stood up for her, and the devastation of the rejection and betrayal of so called mature Christian leaders and the Christian friends she had known all that time was in fact worse for her than the original crime.  The rape itself was bad enough, the abuser was unrepentant despite his final ‘confession’ that the act was in fact non-consensual after a long period of silence.  This was nothing to those who led the inquisition against this young woman, in fact I would go so far as to say that the men who attacked her as a consequence of the rape and her refusal to acquiesce to their completely insane demands to withdraw legal charges and ‘let them deal with it’ were in fact pathological abusers themselves. John Macarthur’s church is well known for its abusive practices and some have gone so far as to call it a cult. It doesn’t surprise me that he and his staff re-traumatised this poor girl for having the courage to not only confess a crime against her body and soul and one which carries shame and humiliation, but looked to them for help. This is what predators do.  In the face of a terrible experience, they have shockingly backwards reactions.  Normal people would help the rape victim and condemn the abuser.  These men attacked and blamed her and attempted to blackmail (itself a crime) her into lying about what happened.  Not only are these reactions abhorrent to God and anyone with a working human soul, they are proof that the environment in which the rape was covered up was in itself malignant.  Whether or not they were trying to protect their college’s reputation (too late gentlemen) the means manifestly did not justify the end. And despite their own delusions as to their pristine reputation, the facts, which they themselves so ably demonstrated, were that their college is run by wicked men.

Incidents like this are hardly uncommon.  Flying monkeys do what flying monkeys do in just about every instance where sociopaths or malignant narcissists or in fact any kind of abuser exists.  The canon of knowledge and experience attests to this fact and has done since it’s inception over ten years ago.  And this is the interesting thing about abuse.  Since the advent of social media and blogs in general, abuse victims have used the resource to speak up about what happened to them.  Comments from other victims, who often write their own accounts later, testify to the common attributes of both the abusers and their apologists.  It IS a canon of knowledge simply because of the fact that the information has been shared and acknowledged as true by so many other people from so many different backgrounds and so many different experiences. The abusers are male or female, the apologists can be related or not related, the abuse can be physical or mental or both, but the actions of these people form chilling patterns which simply cannot be ignored.  Hence the rise of the psychology journal articles and their authors who have proven by their use of it that the canon of information out there is not only authentic but creditable.

It is our belief that abusers, true to their predatory and calculating characters, will choose supporters, acquaintances and contacts from among those who will best suit their purposes.  To these ingenuous and just as often disingenuous individuals, they show their best faces.  They are kind, helpful, supportive and ensure that the relationship is mutually profitable.  Thus when the victim chosen by the abuser begins to speak up, the true venal nature of the abuser becomes clear.  The unwitting supporter thinks that his good friend is being slandered and opposes the slander out of loyalty, and the collaborating supporter slanders the victim out of knowledge that they will be rewarded for their collaboration.  This works in a professional environment, in a familial environment and in a church environment.  And it proves beyond a doubt that our carnal human nature can be successfully manipulated by the truly evil.

It takes a great deal of wisdom and discernment to pick a human predator.  Often the very worst abusers hide by choosing careers in the caring professions because they know that the victim’s guard is down especially if they are vulnerable.  Patients need their doctors to be above suspicion or they would never trust them.  Children need their teachers and other significant adults to be trustworthy or they will never learn or grow.  In the same vein, the very worst kind of abuser is a character disordered parent who uses their own children both as victims and as flying monkeys.  The adult child of a narcissist suffers for the rest of their lives as a result of being abused throughout their dependent years, sometimes as many as twenty or more.  That is a very long time to be under the intimate influence of an abusive adult.  And if there are more than one abusers in the family, as the canon has proven to be common, the victim must not only deal with their parents but often their siblings.  This does not end at adulthood and leaving the family home. It is a very common scenario that a victim of abuse often seems to discover the truth of their family lives into their forties and fifties.  Why does it take this long? We believe that maturity, experience and worldview play into this. Also, now the internet canon of information is available, more and more victims are discovering what abuse really is by recognising the patterns from the testimony of the thousands who report what their abuser did.  Finally, the victim can read these reports and have something of a slow epiphany in their own lives. They recognise the patterns in their own family, compare it to what they see from other’s accounts and reluctantly and with trepidation make the connection to their own lives.  If nothing else, recognising that you were either raised by or married to a predatory individual is the very worst kind of revelation.  But in the end, the truth changes you and the lives of those who care about you.  When you know the truth, you can live differently.  It will be painful, but it is necessary to remove the rot. In our lives, we determined that we would end the cycle of familial abuse with our own generation.

The internet has allowed many victims to speak out, both anonymously and openly.  Initially, we spoke out about the abuses of the cult Brisbane Christian Fellowship under assumed names. We found that whether we hid our true identity or not, the flying monkeys descended, some claiming they ‘knew who we were’ with the sinister overtones that they were somehow going to ‘get us’ for having spoken up.  We received threats of legal action and yet nothing eventuated.  You don’t actually need anything to eventuate if those threats come from the people you knew while you were in the cult.  You know what they have done already – destroyed the faith and relationships of individuals and families – and you know that they were willing and able to slander and destroy your character and reputation to everyone else in the cult.  In the end though, it was at the borders of the cult’s influence, and narrow and petty they were too, their threats lost power.  They might attempt to bad mouth you to other churches, but the fact that their own reputation was scarcely pristine even to those who did not know of their covert destruction of marriages and lives would ensure that their gossip remained just that.

Speaking out is seen by our society as ‘airing dirty linen’ and is treated as shameful.  It is seen this way in churches also.  We are told ‘not to judge’, yet the apostles themselves had no problem writing public letters regarding false brethren and leaders and teachers and naming names.  There is a scriptural precedent for warning of false teachers.  But where there is freedom to speak, believers have been known to  use it as a license for carnality. There are now many so called ‘discernment’ ministries which are nothing more than lists of every christian leader with whom the author disagrees theologically.  Disagreement over certain texts does not mean a person is a false teacher.  If Paul, Peter and John all declaimed false teachers to the point of cursing them to the blackness of darkness forever, and if John said that even bringing  a false teacher into your home causes you to participate in his evil deeds (2 John 2:10-11), then false teachers are not simply believers with different opinions to you. These sorts of people are actually the same as chronic abusers.  Genuinely false teachers have wicked hearts and intentions.  No believer who is simply either immature, carnal or who has an unrenewed mind is described in the New Testament as being cursed. Only those with a reprobate mind and soul would be so designated.

Despite these problems, the internet is still a place where real stories can be written and read and real comfort and help can be gained.  The ‘canon’ has been loosed and is accomplishing a great deal more than paid professionals could ever hope to.




Do You See Me?


I received an email update from a forum I am part of the other day.  It contained a vivid and extremely disturbing account of the victim of a rape whilst out with a group of college students.  This account is actually so disturbing and vivid that I would caution anyone who has been through a similar incident not to click on the following link as it will trigger you.  But for those with stronger stomachs, you can read the story here.

This story is from a young woman who attended John Macarthur’s Masters College.  She had had what she describes as ‘three glorious years’ training to be a counsellor, and this event occurs in the last year of her training.  Here is en excerpt from the beginning of the story.

Spring break starts tomorrow. I was going to go home today but last night I hit my head and suffered a concussion. The doctor said I need to take it easy so I decide to stay on campus and catch up on rest and homework. Not to brag or anything but I hang out with the smart crowd, and the smart crowd hangs out with the seminary students from The Master’s Seminary. They invite me to go to a play in town and then to dinner. I probably shouldn’t but it’s an approved outing as some of the seminary guys are bringing their girlfriends, and of course there will be no drinking, drugs, or dancing. We all had to sign a contract that we would not do those three things while attending Masters. It doesn’t bother me. I don’t drink or do drugs anyway.

Four of the seminary students live together and I know three of them. The fourth, a stranger who I have met maybe once, sits by me at dinner and asks if he can get me a soda. I thank him and say yes, but about a half an hour later I start to feel foggy. Everyone begins to discuss going ballroom dancing after dinner. I want to weigh in but my words are slurring and I can’t move my legs. The rest of my friends start laughing because I’m acting funny. They remember I suffered a concussion yesterday and think I need to go to bed. They urge the stranger to take me to my dorm room so I can rest. By this time he has to carry me out of the restaurant. No one thinks this is strange or seems at all concerned. I black out.

I will draw a veil over the rest of her account except to say this.  The treatment she received from the Master’s College teaching and admin staff was literally sickening.  After  having been to the police and the doctor, this young woman goes to those in charge at the college and is interviewed in a frankly disturbing and completely unprofessional way.

I tell him every excruciating detail I can remember…

Rick leaves the room several times to go talk to John MacArthur. He comes back with John’s ruling on the matter. Rick tells me that I need to be disciplined for doing drugs, drinking alcohol and almost dancing. He said the consequence for breaking the rules is that I will be kicked out of the college. He is angry at me for going to the police and the doctor. I should have let the church handle this without outside interference. He tells me not to tell anyone else, not my fellow classmates, not my teachers, not anyone at church.

“You are ruining that young man’s life!” He says.

He tells me I have to go to the police and drop the charges or I will be brought in front of the church to be disciplined. I don’t drop the charges. Not that it matters. The police interviewed my rapist and all the “friends” who were there and ruled it a “he-said, she-said” incident that can’t be proven either way.

I don’t keep quiet either. I reach out to the professors who “disagree with John MacArthur on a few things.” They won’t see me. People are avoiding me. I feel their whispers. Even close friends are acting weird.

Throughout the whole ordeal, the rapist’s situation and feelings are given priority and is treated as a victim and the victim of the rape is treated as the criminal.

I am standing outside the door to Rick’s office. I take a deep breath and feel confident that I am strong enough to do whatever it is that he asks me to do. I open the door and am shocked to see the stranger sitting there. I am starting to shake and sweat. Rick asks me to sit down by my rapist. Rick speaks for the rapist.

“He has admitted to everything he has done. He has acknowledged his sin and that this relationship was not consensual and he has repented. Look at him, he is crying.”

I don’t want to look at him but I do. I feel panicked sitting this close to him. I am wondering why I have to be present if it has become clear that I am innocent. Why wasn’t I immediately reinstated in school?

“Now it is your turn to apologize.”

I am not hearing right. I think that Rick Holland has just asked me to apologize to my rapist.

“Apologize for what?” I ask.

Rick says something about apologizing for the dress I was wearing at the bar and for drinking alcohol. He says I caused this young man to stumble, and he is incensed that I have not dropped the charges with the police. He says he has been talking to Joe and Sandra and my RD and they all say that my story keeps changing. I wonder why they are all allowed to talk about it but I am not. If I am to be reinstated in the school I must agree to weekly counseling with Rick and the stranger. I am told that the stranger and I have committed this sin together and therefore we must work through it together. I must agree to sit next to the stranger in church every week.

I don’t know where to begin. Do I start with the fact that I didn’t put that dress on or how my story isn’t changing, I am just remembering more things? I feel confused and angry. I am yelling. I hear more accusations coming out of Rick’s mouth. I am not submissive. I don’t trust the men that God has put over me. I am rebellious. He is angry and I cannot keep up with all of the attacks on my character that are flying out of his mouth. I am kicked out of school. I have less than twenty-four hours to get my things out of my room and get out. If I show up on campus, I will be arrested. They are changing my three years of earned college credits from A’s to F’s. I have flunked out of college.

There are a number of websites which discuss what happens at the Masters College and also at John Macarthur’s church.  He is by all accounts a bully and a bigot and will not countenance anyone who does not agree with everything he says.  I have seen too many men like this who run megachurches. This young woman’s experience is not unusual, and if you go to the website I linked to and read the 90 odd responses (probably more since this account was published) you will see more corroborating evidence.

Speaking up about abuse is vital, but speaking up about abuse always involves risk. People may not believe you.  People in particular who know the high profile leaders of the college will have a vested interest in rejecting accusations against their heroes.  Scripture tells us when bringing a reviling report against an elder to have two or three witnesses.  Even when there are more than two or three witnesses, people will still not believe you.

When you have been as damaged as this woman has, you don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with further abuse from those you trusted to protect you.  She had no reason to doubt that Rick Holland and John Macarthur would turn on her when she needed their protection the most.  Yet they supported and protected somebody she had never even met before.

Every comment I read on the website supported and ‘saw’ this young woman.  It was heartening to know that so many responded so well.  Yet, this is nearly twenty years after the event, and it would have been good for her to have had that support when the rape  occurred.

When somebody hears about abuse, they often want to minimise its severity or undermine the account by the victim in some way so that they either don’t have to process what they are hearing or consider that somebody they like or admire is in fact a criminal and possibly a morally insane individual.

If we ever hear an account of abuse from somebody and it sounds unreal or difficult to process, remember that cognitive dissonance is a normal reaction to having your belief system challenged. Nobody wants to believe that somebody they have thought of as trustworthy would do what they are being accused of doing.  But just because you have not seen the abuse, or the abuse hasn’t happened to you, doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen to the victim. Often the official response is that the victim is making it up, or that somehow they caused the abuse themselves, especially in rape cases.  This is rarely true. Every account of rape should be treated with due sobriety and concern, and in particular, if necessary, the victim should be assured that their case will be immediately investigated.

Whether we believe what is being told to us or not, if we understand that the first response is usually unbelief and discomfort, we will be more likely to understand why the report sounds unbelievable.

Since this young woman’s report was not only corroborated by others who have been through what she has been through and by others who understand what the Master’s College administrative team are like under these kinds of circumstances, there can be no reason to doubt her account.  This has not only happened at this college, but at many other secular colleges and workplaces and churches.

In my mind, the most important aspect of this account is that while the college admin treated her rape with less than Christian mercy and compassion, they also deliberately sabotaged her academic career and destroyed any hope she might have had to complete her degree and recover her dignity and heal.  It is one thing not to believe a person when they tell you they have been raped, it is quite another to consciously slander and destroy that person’s reputation and standing in a christian community.  She had not previously shown herself to be promiscuous or of bad character nor had her academic record proven any lack of intelligence or ability.  There was patently no defensible reason to attack this young woman.  Yet they went out of their way to make sure she was punished for not simply bowing to their bullying and abuse.

Sadly and frustratingly, this is happening to women everywhere.  Infuriatingly, it is happening in Christian churches and communities.  Not only do Christians themselves find it difficult to know how to respond to this kind of traumatic event, non-Christians find these situations pretty horrific.  How is this possible in places where people claim to be motivated by the love of God? It is possible because people lie about who they are, and it is possible because even Christians get to choose their actions.  People can choose to do ugly wicked things just because.  There doesn’t even need to be a reason, they just feel like being ugly.  When a rapist or abuser becomes a predator there needs to be more than just decisive and rapid response.  There needs to be a finality.  Deal with the abuse, get rid of the threat to the safety of those who are vulnerable, and don’t even think about blaming the victim.  It’s that simple.

Spirit, Soul and Body



I have been a Christian for a very long time.  But 40 years ago, when I first gave my life to Jesus and accepted Him as Lord and Saviour, I knew very little about the mechanics of my belief.  Later, when I began attending a Baptist church around the corner from where I lived, I was still hazy about what I really believed.  I was very immature, eager to learn and yet the church I attended did not teach the basics of my faith.  The preaching focused on bible verses or stories from the Old Testament which contained morals or facts about God and how we are to live as Christians, but I was not informed about things like the differences between soul and spirit, or soul and body and how these three interact.

Recently I have been doing some bible study.

I have come to a very important understanding which I wish I knew 40 years ago.  And it all seems to be predicated on two little verses, Romans 12:1-2.  They say this:

Romans 12New King James Version (NKJV)

Living Sacrifices to God

12 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

These verses have been with me for a couple of years.  I just can’t seem to get away from them.  They are powerful, all consuming, and seem to sum up the life of the Christian.  If my mind is renewed, I am transformed. But if I don’t first of all sacrifice myself, reject the world and all friendship with it then I won’t be able to be renewed, transformed and be able to prove the will of God.

I have been learning that our spirits are made whole, are saved and sanctified, are filled with the Holy Spirit and it is through our spirits that we hear the living Word.  Yes, the bible is an important book, it is the Word of God also, and the living Word who indwells us always agrees with His written word.  To do otherwise would be to be something less than who He is.  So, our spirits are the most important part of us.  If we can get our minds filled with the Spirit, to have the mind of Christ, and to understand the mysteries of God as Paul encourages us in 1 Corinthians 2, then the rest of us will be transformed.

Let me give you a practical illustration.

This morning I was praying.  A thought came to me, I won’t say what thought but it was very destructive.  The thought told me something that I started to believe.  Before I knew it, the thought had produced a stirring in my soul, and my emotions began to bubble and stew and create such anguish and pain that I knew I had to do something.  I had to act, in order to counter the reality that this thought presented to me.  I began to think of what I could do to change my imaginary circumstances.

I sat down to have breakfast and opened up the Bible as I often do.  I began to read in 1 Corinthians 2 and 3 and while I was pondering the Word of God, I realised, I had allowed my carnal mind to inform my whole existence.  I had allowed a stray thought to change my emotions which then caused me a great deal of pain which compelled me to act in order to change my circumstances.  I figured if I could change my circumstances, I would feel empowered, instead of victimised, as the thought told me I was.

After reading the word for a short time, my mind became renewed on this topic.  And interestingly the verses I was reading didn’t actually relate at all to the issue at hand.  All it did was enable me to focus on the Word of God instead of the lies of the Devil.  All of my thoughts, emotions and plans evaporated, and I realised how foolish, and sinful, I had been.  Yet, this situation taught me a tremendous truth.  All that I had been learning about Spirit, Soul and Body was becoming a reality!  If I had taken that thought captive to Christ and allowed His mind to inform me, I would have saved myself a morning’s worth of anguish and foolishness.

Another practical application of this related to a discussion I had with my daughter about wanting to change something about herself at a moment’s notice without considering what was driving her.  We talked a bit about it, and much later after focusing on the Word, and talking about the things I am discussing here, she realised her desire to change herself physically came about because of a thought that she had about herself, that she was unloved and unacceptable.  This was a lie!  Yet the lie stirred up her emotions, and then caused her to want to act in a way which would have ended up being very unsatisfying.  The root cause of her dissatisfaction wasn’t physical at all. It was believing a lie about herself instead of focusing on the truth that God not only loved her but His Spirit dwelt in us to bring life to our mortal bodies.  (Romans 8:11)

Psychology tells us that our emotions are a result of outward circumstances.  Somebody says something offensive and we are immediately hurt.  But in fact, what somebody says to us means nothing if we have did not already believe that about ourselves.  If somebody mocks you and tells you that you are ugly, and you are not, then the slur is like water off a ducks back, in fact it can be kind of amusing.  However, if you actually believe you are not only ugly but  unlovable because of it, the insult hits at the lie we believe and causes the sore spot to flare up and create huge emotional waves. It can drive us to despair.

Our thoughts dictate to us and our souls and bodies.  Then we act on those thoughts and feelings and often our bodies are the recipients of some fairly horrible consequences. At a superficial level, we can tattoo, pierce, and surgically alter ourselves but at a more dangerous level we can fill our bodies with drugs or other substances which provide relief from painful emotions, and even in extreme cases, abort children or commit suicide because our thoughts tell us not only are our lives irrelevant but our bodies are not affected by our actions.  Neither of these lies bring life.  They literally in some cases produce death, not just to us but to others.

A friend of our family attempted suicide last year.  She was not a Christian and was in a coma for weeks.  We prayed for her, because she had four children, the youngest was only about 7 years old, her oldest was just about to get married. Apparently this woman had a history of depression and had used medication to deal with it.  But at the root of her problems was the belief that her life was irrelevant..  It could not have been further from the truth.  Our family prayed for her solidly for a month. But I remember taking this issue to the Father who told me sadly, ‘She has made her decision’.  We don’t want to believe anyone could do such a terrible thing, but in fact, if you believe a lie, not only will your soul be affected but eventually your body will be treated with contempt.  If nothing matters and your life is worth nothing, then it doesn’t matter what you do.  But if everything matters, and your life is not your own but you were bought with a price, then you will see yourself and everyone around you as worthwhile people who deserve to be treated with respect regardless of who they are.  Human lives mean something, but Satan, who is the destroyer of our souls and bodies wishes to make us believe we are worthless.  He is a liar.

Proverbs 23:7 tells us that as a man thinks, so is he.

23 When you sit down to eat with a ruler,
Consider carefully what is before you;
And put a knife to your throat
If you are a man given to appetite.
Do not desire his delicacies,
For they are deceptive food.Do not overwork to be rich;
Because of your own understanding, cease!
Will you set your eyes on that which is not?
For riches certainly make themselves wings;
They fly away like an eagle toward heaven.Do not eat the bread of a miser,[a]
Nor desire his delicacies;
For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.
“Eat and drink!” he says to you,
But his heart is not with you.
The morsel you have eaten, you will vomit up,
And waste your pleasant words.

These verses talk about deceptive words from gluttons and misers.  In their heart they are against you, but outwardly their actions try and convince you that they are your friend.  Our actions begin in the heart, or mind.  Our mind thinks a thought which immediately produces emotions, usually negative ones, although this can work positively as well, but our carnal minds are often the source of a great deal of anxiety.  We create dramas in our own imaginations which then lead us to take action in ways which we never would if we believed the truth. This is why faith is substance and evidence.  It is not JUST a thought or belief.  Thoughts produce actions, faith produces works. So many believers get confused about James’ letter thinking he is talking about works producing salvation. That is NOT what he said.  He said what you believe will change how you act. Your belief in the gospel will cause you to do works which are the result of that faith. Thoughts produce action, either to the glory of God or the glorification of the flesh.

It is possible to have an intellectual assent to God’s truth, but unless you actually believe that the Holy Spirit dwells in you, you won’t act on it.  Today, I acted on a lie which produced death, then later, I acted on a truth which produced life. My works, my actions, were a result of what I believed, my faith.

God is truth.  He speaks the truth always.  So as we immerse ourselves in His Word, and allow His Spirit to speak to us through the Word, we will begin to think as He thinks.  We will have the mind of Christ.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 1

10 Now I plead with you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment

Our minds are to be united to Christ’s, just as our minds together as brothers and sisters should be united so that there be no divisions amongst us.  On a wider level, most church splits have come about because of divisions which arise when one person speaks one thing and somebody else disagrees with them, and the thoughts give rise to emotions which cause actions and those actions can produce acrimony and dramatic tensions which inevitably become grave estrangements from one another as Christians.  This is how different sects and denominations have formed.  Not because God wills it. Some might suggest that because Paul and Barnabas disagreed it is OK to have disagreements which create splits in churches.  But this isn’t the kind of disagreement they had.  They were still of one mind regarding Christ and the gospel, they simply disagreed regarding the fate of one individual who happened to be related to Barnabas.  And later in Scripture you will read that this was no acrimonious split, Paul and Barnabas were still relating to each other.

Our minds have a great capacity to create imaginary scenarios which we believe to be true.  We may not necessarily be deceived, but we don’t sit down and think things through. More importantly, we don’t take everything to the Lord in prayer and wait on the Holy Spirit to give us wisdom. We can hear from the Lord, scripture tells us so. Romans 12:2 is a classic example of this.

We need to take every stray thought captive to Him, and ensure that we are focusing our minds on Him throughout the day.

You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.

The Upside of Rejection



Is Shunning biblical?  Short answer – yes.

But lets look more closely at the term shunning. When I use this term, I mean the isolation and rejection of and by people in your social circle and family. It is behviour that has been used by cults to get compliance to orders from their members, and it has also been used by churches to describe the discipline that is metered out to those who won’t listen when they are told to stop sinning. The two are actually very different.

Paul gave the churches instruction on how to deal with reprobates. He frequently told his people ‘from such turn away’, usually from false teachers and brethren who were wasting the church’s time and energy. 2 Timothy 3:5 and 1 Timothy 6:5 are two examples of this. Paul spoke about false teachers being twice cursed (Galatians 1), Peter talked about false teachers and their effects on the church in 2 Peter, and John the apostle talked about false teachers in his second epistle saying that those who greeted them ‘shared in their evil deeds’.

So, if by shunning you mean having nothing more to do with those who refuse to stop preaching false gospels, then it is definitely biblical.

There is even a story told by John’s disciple Polycarp which spoke of the fact that on one instance when John had heard that there was a known false teacher, Cerinthus,  in the bathing house he was going to he left in a hurry, convinced that the roof would fall in because of this person. Now that is the fear of God. Whatever happened to that kind of reverence for the gospel?

Nowadays, there is no such concern among most of the church going public. Those who consider themselves Christian seem to have no real concern about false teachers or their influence. They happily read, listen to and even greet false teachers with open arms. There is no fear of God, no wisdom and no desire for spiritual things. They would not go to the lengths that scripture demands, to avoid false teachers, most church-going Christians today would not even recognise a false teacher because they are so used to false teaching from their own pastors.

Then there is the ‘shunning’ or ‘sending away’ which occurs when churches use the biblical method of disciplining those who refuse to change their behaviour when they have been confronted a number of times by church members.(Matthew 18).  The sort of behaviour I am talking about is usually confined to sexual immorality or abuse. It is the end run of the sort of pastoral care that involves taking church members to task for the kinds of behaviour that affect other church members and even whole churches. It is necessary for the morale and faith of the whole congregation and it is usually not done often and only towards the most reprobate of offenders. It is the equivalent of sending somebody to prison for their crimes. Except in church environments it is used prayerfully and not without a great deal of pain and concern by all involved. Nobody uses the ‘sending away’ principle on a whim, and hopefully there will also be follow through. If the offender refuses to change and does not come back to the church that is their decision. But in most cases, there will be an opportunity for that person to come back when they are ready. Prayer and fasting is usually involved by all concerned.

The ‘shunning’ which is practiced by controlling churches is a different matter however. This type of shunning involves church members literally running away from you if they see you in the street. They will justify their behaviour by saying that the person who left, or was kicked out, is a ‘bad influence’ and they need to oust this person in order to save the offender’s souls. This is not usually the case. The shunning that is done is purely motivated by the flesh and is in fact a punishment for not doing what they are told unquestioningly by their abusive leaders. Most people who are shunned by cults and controlling churches are shunned because they have had the courage to speak up about the abuse. It is not a badge of dishonour, it is more of an indicator of who the church members themselves are.

I want to point out the difference at this juncture between shunning and the issue of ‘going no contact’ with abusive relatives and friends.

If shunning is avoiding spiritual poison, then ‘going no contact’ is about avoiding emotional poison; reprobates and those who refuse to stop abusing you. It may seem like a no brainer, but most people who have been involved in long term abuse have had their brains re-wired. I am not a neuro-surgeon. But I have read a great deal about brainwashing and neuro-plasticity which is the study of the brains’ ability to change the way it thinks. When you have been raised by an abuser, or been strongly influenced by an older sibling who is an abuser, you are taught to think the way the abuser wants you to think. You may grow up believing that you are a good, nice, caring person who serves others and wants to do good for them. In fact, you have been wired to think that this is what you are. You will go out of your way to avoid conflict, you will feel extremely uncomfortable whenever anyone else is angry or upset and you will do whatever you can to defuse stressful or threatening situations, usually by avoiding the person who causes them or doing things that make or keep them happy. If you can’t do that, you will probably end up going out of your way to get into their good books by doing more than you need to do, working harder, or bending over backwards by giving them what they want.

This is a recipe for your personal disaster and nobody has ever gained anything by living this way, except of course the abuser. But the abused person will not even think they are being abused. They will tell you that their abuser is a great person, has many good qualities etc. Sure, they say, he or she may be a bit short tempered and ‘I don’t really like it when they….(fill in the blank) ….but they are definitely not abusive’. The abuser is a nice guy, the victim of the abuse is a nice guy and we all get along famously. Until you get sick  or face some kind of personal difficulty which prevents you being their slave, or finally answer the clue phone and decide you have had enough of being stabbed in the back, treated like a doormat and taken for granted. Then the mouse will roar. However, what the victim needs to recognise is that they were never a mouse to begin with. They actually began life with their own personality, varied, wonderful, talented and quirky, fun to be with, free, happy and enjoying life. It was only when their parent/older sibling/relative began to use them for their own ends that the otherwise joyful child becomes fearful, withdrawn and subservient. Behold, another victim of abuse is created. And your creator is your abuser.

The objects of this kind of abuse is very good at reading people and empathising, anticipating needs and assessing risks. You are a good analyst both of situations and people. You are also probably pathologically terrified of people, in particular those types of people who resemble the abuser you grew up with; namely, narcissists and sociopaths. It takes a huge amount of time and energy for people in this situation to get to the point that they understand what happened to them, that they are not who they have been told they are – compliant, obsequious and servile. You fully believe that you are a great person, although deep down you really don’t like yourself very much. In fact, when you are having a bad day, you actually feel a lot of self-hate because you know instinctively that this is not the sort of life that you want, nor are you the sort of person you were created to be.In fact, to borrow a much loved phrase from A.A. Milne, author of Winnie the Pooh,

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

You need to be able to speak up about the abuse, you need to break the silence which has been forced upon you by your abuser, and you need to be able to hear yourself say ‘no’ to them. This will inevitably drag up all of your worst fears, and they are well founded. Most abusers have legendary tempers and you will h ave to face that when you tell them you don’t want to have any more to do with them. Abusers are not open to discussion, they are not reasonable and pliable people. There is a reason they are abusers. So when you speak up, you have to face what you have been avoiding for years.

We do not encourage anybody to speak up to their abuser without a great deal of help and support from others who understand the toxic dynamics of the situation. You need prayer, whether you are a Christian or not, because you are facing, and wrestling with, spiritual forces of wickedness. This is why you have been under so much pressure, you have not just been dealing with a human abuser, you have been dealing with a demonic one as well. Therefore it is a fait accomplis that you will have to break off all connection with them sooner or later for your own mental health. You can no longer continue to live as a slave to somebody else’s moods and whims. You must find yourself again and you must learn to use your voice, your authentic voice, not the one that the abuser gave you, which in effect is their own voice. You have been like the character of Echo in the Greek Myth of Narcissus. She was not able to use her own voice, only to echo back the last words of her lover Narcissus. She was previously a very talkative person who loved to have the last word. She was cursed by Juno because by her talking she distracted Juno and allowed Juno’s adulterous husband’s lovers to get away from her. Echo used to be somebody else, but she became a shadow of her former self, literally, and faded away to nothing as all echoes inevitably do.

As lifelong victims of serial abusers, we learn to echo their words, adore and worship them and throw our lives away in pursuit of their attention and love, only to be rejected and shunned by them.

Now, it feels like shunning to reject and cut off contact from these abusers, but in actual fact you have to do this in order to regain your authentic self. As a Christian, it is important to know who you are before God in order to be able to relate to him honestly and truthfully. We worship Him in Spirit and in truth therefore we need to be able to recognise that our personalities are not what we had previously thought.

Rejection has an up-side. If you are rejecting abuse, slavery and bullying and the people who use these forms of perverted relationship then you are rejecting deception, lies and the castration of your soul. This can only be a good thing. Moreover, once you are no longer living the lie that your abuser forced you to live, you can see the world, and in fact your God in a completely different light and you will be able to partake of the eternal life that God promises us through Jesus Christ our Saviour.

Jordan Petersen – An encouragement from a ‘hate monger’

zz petersen

I came across a video of Jordan Petersen speaking about how it is not safe to speak up.  I knew nothing about him before this, but his words resonated with me, especially as somebody who has been oppressed and told to shut up because I was female and in a misogynistic cult.  Even more importantly, I have been abused for speaking up after I left the cult, because who was I?  Just a woman.  Interestingly, I was also abused for the way I wrote my blog, for not being easily manipulated by people who just wanted to use me for their own designs, and also abused because I was not falling into line by other ex-cult women who likewise, figured I should be there for their benefit.  It was very important to me to hear this message from admittedly, a non-Christian conservative. Petersen’s views are so akin to conservative Christian views, especially the biblical view of the nature of man that I pray this man will one day find the God who created him and so he will have even more courage and power with which to withstand the onslaught.

I just want to include this excerpt from a blog post about Petersen from a writer of the “LifeSite”.  It covers the details of Jordan Petersen’s rise to  public notoriety.

Most of my readers will be familiar with Dr. Peterson’s story. A professor of psychology at the University of Toronto, Peterson became an overnight sensation when he released several videos on his YouTube account, explaining why he opposed Bill C-51, which purported to enshrine legal protections for transgender people into Canadian law. In reality, Peterson pointed out, these laws could be used to police speech — and even worse, could compel people to use the recently-invented “transgender pronouns” for those who refuse to identify as either male or female such as “ze” or “zir.” Such infringements on such an essential right were unconscionable, said Peterson, and he would not be using those pronouns regardless of what the state demanded of him.

The reaction to Peterson’s videos was at first predictable. He was accused of violence by a fellow panelist on The Agenda with Steve Paikin. Transgender activists insisted he was a bigot and a transphobe. His university sent him a letter warning him that his refusal would violate the rights of transgender people. Media outlets pilloried him as a man using his position to express his hatred, and quoted progressives and LGBTQ activists saying the same thing. It looked as if the standard media-lynching we’ve seen so frequently over the past several years would again succeed — those brave souls who are willing to articulate opinions contrary to the current progressive generally run afoul of the tolerance buzz saw and see their careers and reputations destroyed, or worse.

Instead, something remarkable happened. Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, an academic who dared to stand up to the transgender lobby, didn’t get fired. He got famous. His YouTube account, where he posts his lectures and other musings, has over 355,000 subscribers. Thousands of fans flooded his Patreon account with donations, from which he now earns over $30,000 a month from over 5,000 fans. He became one of the most on-demand interviewees from Sam Harris’ podcast to Steven Crowder’s YouTube show, among dozens of other media outlets. Even a photographer’s photo essay of Peterson at his Toronto home accrued over 300,000 hits in a matter of days. For the first time in a very long time, an academic stood up to the politically correct progressive lobby — and won.

Dr. Peterson’s success is even more remarkable when you consider the positions he articulates. Abortion, he said in response to one question, is “clearly wrong.” Pornography is “deadening” and men should stop watching it. Young men need to “grow up” and get their lives together. Young people should pursue children and marriage. Even more than that, he warns his audiences that they are not good people — that each of them harbors demons within, and that this fact should drive them to become better people. None of this would have been particularly radical fifty or so years ago. In 2017, it’s as if Peterson is taking a machine gun to a field of sacred cows — and yet, his popularity only grows.

Jonathon Van Maren

Here is the transcript of Petersen’s Youtube video, which you can watch at this link

One way of conceptualising yourself is that you are one speck of dust among seven billion and you might think ‘what difference does it make what I say or do’. And that’s actually quite convenient for you because if it doesn’t matter what you say or do then you don’t have any responsibility and you can do whatever you want.

The price you pay for that is a bit of nihilism but if you don’t have to shoulder any responsibility that’s a small price to pay.

The other way of looking at it is that you are a node in a network. You can do a bit of arithmetic and work out how powerful you are. Let’s say you know a thousand people. They know a thousand people. This means you are one person away from a million people and two persons away from a billion people. And you are the centre of that network. Now the way that networks work is that information propogates in a network manner. So don’t underestimate the power of your speech.

Western culture is phallogo centric. It is predicated on the idea of the logos. That the logos is the sacred element of the culture. It means that your capacity for speech is divine. Its the thing that generates order from chaos, and sometimes turns pathological order into chaos when it has to. Don’t underestimate the power of truth. There is nothing more powerful.

Now in order to speak what you regard as the truth, you have to let go of the outcome. You have to think “I am going to say what I think, stupid as I am, biassed as I am, ignorant as I am, I am going to state what I think as clearly as I can and I am going to live with the consequqences no matter what they are” That is an element of faith. The idea is that nothing brings a better world into being than the stated truth. Now you might have to pay a price for that, but that’s fine. You are going to have to pay a price for everything you do and everything you don’t do. You don’t get to choose not to pay a price. You get to choose which poison you are going to take. So if you are going to stand up for something, stand up for your truth. It will shape you. Because people will respond and object and tell you why you are a fool and a biassed moron and why you are ignorant and then if you listen to them, you will be just that much less like that the next time you say something. If you do that for five years you will be so damned tough and articulate and able to withstand pressure you won’t even recognise yourself. Then you will be a force to be contend with. And you don’t get to wait until you get tenure etc.

Its almost impossible to provide people with enough protection that they feel safe to speak. Ok, so we’ll address that. It is not safe to speak. And it never will be. But the thing you have to keep in mind is that its even less safe not to speak. Its a balance of risks. Do you want to pay the price for who you are and your stated mode of being in the world or do you want to pay the price for being a serf, one that has enslaved him or herself. Well that’s a major price man, that thing unfolds over decades and you will just be a miserable worm at the end of about 20 years of that. No self-respect, no power no ability to voice your opinions, nothing left but resentment because ‘everyone is against you’ because of course you’ve never stood up for yourself.

Say what you think carefully, pay attention to your words. Its a price you want to pay if you are willing to believe that truth is the cornerstone of society in the most real sense if you are willing to take that leap then tell the truth and see what happens. Nothing better could possibly happen to you. There will be ups and downs and there will be push-back and there will be controversy but it doesn’t matter. The truth is what redeems the world from hell. And that’s the truth. We have seen plenty of hell over the last hundred years. We ahven’t learned a thing from it. Wake up. Tell the truth, tell the truth. Or at least don’t lie and that’s a start. And you’ve got to understand, that’s a risk.

I said what I had to say back in September and I am sure that I could have done it better, and many people have told me how I could have done it better although it didn’t mean that they would actually do it. And you know my job was at serious risk for about two months and it destabilised my family who have been very brave about this, so thumbs up to them man, they’ve stood by me. But here’s the optomistic news. The University has left me alone completely. I shook hands with the dean about two weeks ago we are on friendly terms, they don’t want this to go any further than it has already. The students were tremendously welcoming when I came back to teach in January. I haven’t had a single negative incident at the university. And I have received thousands of letters from all over the world, all of which have been in support. I have received two negative letters, two , that’s it. People have an inchoate longing to have this sort of thing that we are talking about articulated. So don’t be thinking you are alone. Its just that people can’t talk, they are afraid to talk, or they don’t know what to say. So, if you are reasonably articulate start talking and sharpen yourself up. The enemy is a cloud of gnats. They are only courageous in groups, in mobs. If you stand your ground and don’t apologise and articulate things properly, they’ll disperse around you like they are not even there. So most of its illusion. So be afraid, but be afraid of the right thing and the thing to be afraid of is not saying what you say because its the same as not being. Here you are suffering away, you might as well be at the same time, at least then there is something to you.

Waking Up to Abuse – The Letter Bomb


After about five years of no contact from me and the odd letter from my mother wherein she tried to contact my children or sent cards for birthdays with money in them etc, everything went silent.  We were trying desperately to put our lives back together after the cult and really had enough to focus on with our then teenage children, one of whom had been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.  Again, when I let my family know about this, the response was underwhelming. Nobody offered support, nobody even actually showed any interest, they simply just went ‘meh’ and carried on as though I had not spoken.

Then in 2012, I received this letter.


This purported to be from my siblings.

At the time, I was not contacting my oldest sister because of a letter exchange which proved that she was not going to explain any of her bizarre and offensive behaviour and in which she made it pretty clear that she was about as impossible to talk to as my mother.  I had sent my other sister an email years before explaining narcissism to her and she did the same thing.  She didn’t see a problem with my mother, followed by totally bizarre and nonsensical ramblings, followed by ‘I love you’, which was hogwash because there was no love involved just a refusal to communicate.  My brother has never contacted me in over 10 years.  The last I heard from him was a bunch of political emails which I asked him to stop sending me because I would rather hear from him rather than just getting propoganda from him.  His response was that if he did what I asked he would be giving in to my attempts to control him which made no sense whatsoever.  I left a couple of messages on his phone trying to tell him when we had moved interstate and never heard from him again.

My only conclusion is that they are not impressed that I assert boundaries and expect things to carry on as they were before with the rest of the family doing things together and then excluding and ignoring me without actually explaining or justifying their behaviour.  There has never been any actual clear rift from the point of view of one thing leading to another, just me trying to get them to explain their behaviour and them either telling me to just forgive and move on, or throwing word salad at me.

So I have just given up trying to even communicate.

However this letter bomb was very interesting.

I will say that I don’t believe it is legitimate, I didn’t at the time, but I was absolutely horrified that my mother, who I believe wrote this, was willing to drop to this level of abuse to both punish me and attempt to take revenge on the fact that I have refused to any longer partake of her abuse.

Many children of narcissists will not see this letter as anything less than business as usual.  They are used to the outrageous acts and the sabotage attempts.  Many have simply given up even trying to make sense of it, they have finally come to terms with who their families are and have walked away.

I found out further proof some years later after googling around using my family’s names as search perameters.  I discovered that my oldest sister had written to a church in America called the Sunset Road Baptist Church, dated September 2013 and sent a prayer request to their prayer chain naming just about everyone she knew, first and last names. I include a portion of that prayer request here:

This is a prayer request for my Mum Joy Imrie, my sister Alison  and
her three children ****, ****** and *** M*******. My brother Robert .
My third sister and family who are estranged from us by their choice under
a christian cult/religious spirit Stephen and Anita Brady and their three
children Daniel, Nicholas and Lucy Brady.


The first person she mentioned was her mother, and at no point did she ever mention Alzheimers.  What she did mention however in detail was her denunciation of my family, all of my family including my children, first and last names.  She proclaimed that we had chosen to be estranged from her because in her words, we had a religious spirit and were going to a cult.  NOT because, as I had written to her, her behaviour was abusive.  Not only was she not able to recognise that I was specific in what I had told her, that her behaviour was the reason I was not contacting her, but now she was willing to ask a totally innocent and unaware group of Christians to pray for us presumably so that we would get in touch with her again and be delivered from this ‘religious spirit’ and the cult.  In fact, we had left the cult in 2004, all of us, and my sister was aware of this.  We did not have a ‘religious spirit’, we were specifically shielding ourselves from her abuse, and in fact, this prayer request was proof that her abuse was continuing.  She was clearly not above sending bogus prayer requests to God’s people expecting somehow that God would respond and somehow do something to us who according to her were still in the grip of a cult. I also don’t know anyone who feels the need to put first and last names on a prayer request.  Apparently God needs to have specific instruction on who they are praying for.  If this doesn’t look like some kind of soulish controlling prayer I don’t know what does.

To receive this letter about a year before she had made the prayer request is all the proof that I need that my mother does in fact NOT have Alzheimers. In fact, I have heard nothing from anyone in the last five years despite the fact that the letter asserts they will continue to inform me of my mother’s health issues.  There is no proof anywhere including on their facebook pages, and my oldest sister is prolific in her presence on social media, that she is looking after an elderly mother with dementia.  And in fact in a recent photo which she put up there is my mother looking clearly NOT demented and sharing both birthday celebrations AND christmas celebrations with her family.

If my siblings actually wrote this they are accountable for a pretty nasty attempt to traumatise and take revenge on my family.

If, as I believe, this was my mother’s handiwork, then it is further proof that going no contact with a malignant narcissist is the best way.

I have been sorely tempted to check out this letter directly, but that is exactly what she wants. I could have rung the blue nurses, or at least asked questions from somebody in the family for proof, but in fact if my mother didn’t actually get the satisfaction of having me run around trying to prove the veracity of the letter, she would have gotten a big buzz from having me asking questions circumspectly.  Either way she wins.  If as she probably realised I would not have bothered contacting anyone, she would know that even the merest possibility of this being true would have haunted me for ever.  How is that for ugly? Because even the possibility that it might be true – and it would not have changed anything anyway – would have caused anxiety due to the possibility of passing on the disease to her children.  I don’t have any proof that this is from her apart from her address on the top of the page.    If I go to her with the letter and its obvious she doesn’t have dementia, then she can always just deny everything.  Its genius in the complexity of its construction.

What she didn’t count on was that this letter simply proves what a heinous and unrepentant witch she is that she would torment her own children and grandchildren with a lie of this magnitude.  She clearly has no conscience and is actually beyond narcissistic but is actually a psychopath.  Not only did we have our eyes opened up many years ago via going through a cult, but our eyes were opened to the whole of the family dysfunction and how it destroys people’s minds and their lives.

There are too many discrepancies in this letter to name them all.  What triggered the immediate doubts was the fact that it was typed. Nobody in the history of letter writing has ever typed any letter to me except my mother.  Also, they did not need a ‘third party’ to find out where I was living, we were in the  phone book.  Not to mention the fact that my mother’s address is on the top of the letter and the letter was sent in Queensland.  One of my sisters lives interstate and could not have possibly been visiting my mother daily.  There is also the question of whether she was diagnosed mild or moderate, from my understanding of the disease there is quite a difference between the two, and if she was diagnosed in 2011, how come it took them a whole year to contact me when it was apparently such a huge issue?  Let me also add that people who are five years on from a diagnosis of moderate alzheimers do not go about having birthday and christmas celebrations with their children.  Also, it is stated that ‘she is fine apart from short term memory loss’. This is hardly moderate alzheimers, nor is it the sort of condition which would need medication. If somebody is having that kind of memory loss, you don’t trust them to give themselves medication, even with a couple of visits from the Blue Nurses every week.  They need daily supervision, probably in a nursing home.

So apart from the obvious discrepancies and clearly made up content, as I said, my gut instincts told me this was another attempt by my mother to get me to contact her.  There was no actual request for help but there was a stupid statement to begin with that they were ‘trying to respect my wishes regarding contact with the family as best they could’.  WHAT does that mean?  Nobody in my family has contacted me or attempted to contact me except my mother.  NOBODY.  Then all of a sudden out of the blue my siblings apparently write to me attempting to convince me that they are respecting my wishes? The fact is, the only people I ever told not to contact me was my mother and oldest sister. My other two siblings were never told not to contact me, and they could easily have contacted me via facebook or some other means in order to tell me personally that our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers.  NONE of this adds up, and the outrage I have felt for many years has prompted me finally to publish this letter as proof that my mother has finally jumped the shark.

My hope is that one day somebody from my extended family will read this and understand what happened. I have no doubt that my mother will have poisoned all the wells as much as she could have through gossip, innuendo and character assassination.  She must reign the victor, she must arise from the ashes as the clean and holy person who is without error, without taint and without spot or wrinkle.

When God calls us to honour our parents, he did not mean people like this.  This woman is an abusive and ugly person who has spent her whole life undermining, sabotaging and destroying lives, marriages, families and individuals.  She has no remorse, will not stop ever, and expects that even now, I will one day come back to her and confess how wrong I was.  My mother is going to stand before God one day.  While it would be nice to believe she will change in the intervening time, I have prayed for her for many years and now no longer pray.  She has grown worse over time.  Sometimes it is just better to see the truth, mourn the loss and recognise the poison which was injected so long ago so you can use the antidote, the blood of Jesus Christ, for yourself and your children.


Waking Up to Abuse – Responses to No Contact


After I sent my mother the letter regarding her non-attendance at my wedding and I finally told her what I expected from her, I received quite a few more letters from her.

She did not ever apologise or explain her behaviour, she simply expected that things would go on as they did before and that it was my job to just forgive and forget.

It is impossible to have a normal conversation with a narcissist.  They will not allow you to speak in such a way that they actually listen to you and so that your words have impact.  As the child of a narcissist, you grow up believing that you have no hope and no future.  Because in fact it is as though you don’t exist.  You certainly don’t have any significance in your own family, no power, no legitimacy. It is not a surprise to me that the my siblings are miserable and have failed marriages and miserable children to boot. Nobody of course is going to admit that. The thing with the children and families of narcissists is that they have learned over the course of a lifetime to be content with the status quo and they have been brainwashed into believing that their mother is a loving caring person who would not do the traumatizing things she does on purpose.  Anyone who does not continue believing this myth is betraying the family and in particular my mother.  From what I have researched on the internet it is very common for those who do finally say ‘enough’ that they are rejected and abused further by their siblings and parents and friends of the narcissist.  Because these kinds of abusers make it abundantly clear that you are not going to get away with turning your backs on them.  There is only one choice with them, and that is to continue to receive the abuse with a smile.  This may be their ultimatum, but I refuse to accept it as have many thousands of victims who are finally waking up.,

It is very interesting to me how many people around the world are also waking up.  This is the effect of the internet. Regardless of how you explain narcissistic behaviour, and many people have attempted to, the results are the same.  Families are left bruised and burdened and utterly miserable but they will swear up and down that this is not the case and that you, the cult exiter, are simply making stuff up or are ‘just bitter’.

Thinking outside the cult group is always going to create doubt and concern within the group.  They would rather cut you off, shunning in religious circles, and ignore you than accept that you have a legitimate claim.  Family cults who deal with the whistle blowers will also either cut you off or pretend that you are just crazy.  If you continue to make a deal about it you will end up being abused further by the narcissist’s apologists because curiously, the narcissistic environment ‘creates’ more narcissists.  Often those around the main narc will mirror or shadow the behaviour and attitudes of the parent narc. This happens in cults as well.  They may not actually be narcissists, but they do just as much damage as the narcissist does and all so that they can cash in on the victimisation of the one who has broken away. I guess the thinking goes that if you can cosy up to the narcissistic parent who is now attacking the other child, you will get kudos from that parent.  You might get the kudos you are looking for but at what cost?  And let’s face it, kudos is not love, nor is it acceptance it is simply that you for now are not the victim of the abuse.  I will guarantee that when the narcissist feels like it they will target you next.

I will never forget hearing my mother tear strips off my sisters kids for no other reason that that she happened to be talking to me.  I can’t believe I stood up to her at this point because I was still in the religious cult, but I remember telling her to lay off because they were good kids.  She made the lemon sucking face and actually stopped.  In reality my mother has always been at the mental level of a three year old, except the results of her behaviour have been pretty toxic.  She has managed to contribute to two divorces and all four of her children grew up unfulfilled and hopeless, neurotic and unable to recognise abusers, two of whom joined religious cults at separate times and with separate groups.  This is not a good legacy to have.

But in response to being told that you have just drawn boundaries to their behaviour and that the results of ignoring the boundary is that you will be ignored they will simply ignore what you have said. As I have mentioned, your words are nothing because you are nothing according to the narcissist.  They will not listen to you unless you are agreeing with them, and in fact they are not really listening to you, they are simply listening for the echo of their own words.  It is not for nothing that the Greek legend of Narcissus includes the story of a Nymph who fell in love with him but was cursed with the fate of never being able to speak but simply to echo the last words of Narcissus.  The Narc eventually gets sick of hearing their own voice echoed back to them and eventually gets bored with the person who is literally hanging off their every word.  In truth, those who look to the Narcissist for mutual love and friendship are going to be treated to abuse in every sense of the word.

Waking Up To Abuse – Don’t get sick or die


The issue with the quilt was one of many as I have mentioned.  She varied her methods, but the attitude and approach were the same every time.

Like the time I had a miscarriage.

I got abuse from both the cult and my mother on this.  Apparently in both cult churches and cult families there are backwards reactions to things.  During times of stress or difficulty when you would normally get care and concern, cult churches and families turn on you and attack you.

When I had come home from the hospital after the miscarriage, Steve had asked my mother if she would come and sit with me and help look after Daniel our two year old.  Except he had specified staying at our house. Not that my mother had exactly offered to look after our two year old at her house.  She turned up and then spent the next couple of days moaning about everything.  She finally told Steve she wasn’t going to stay any longer as she wanted to be in her own bed. There was no sympathy regarding the miscarriage, there was no concern about my welfare, she just upped and left figuring that she wanted the comfort of her own home.  Normal mothers would have offered to have both of us at her place so that she could both partake of the comforts of her own home AND help us out.

I remember that my oldest sister had gone through a number of miscarriages over the years before I married and during these episodes there would be much rolling of the eyes and rude comments from my mother.  According to her my sister had somehow arranged these events to annoy my mother.  This was normal any time anyone expected her to somehow exert any energy on their behalf.  Getting sick however was something she did not tolerate and would often say that we were ‘bunging it on’.  This meant she thought you were lying about how you felt. This kind of response is common to narcissistic abusers since they simply project their own issues onto everyone else.  You are not really sick, you are just looking for attention, like she does when she pretends to be sick.  In reality, you are sick and you do require attention because you are a minor and it is her job as the person who brought you into the world to actually minister to your needs.  But that is too much to ask for somebody who has the divine right to both rule and be served.

But deaths in the family were treated as though they happened to somebody else.

When my mother’s sister died, she rang me up to inform me.  The first thing she did was ask if I knew who ‘Aunty Pat’ was.  I was three and a half when we left London to come to Brisbane and I had heard my mother talking about her brother and sister my whole life. Not only did I know who they were, I had received Christmas presents from her and had written thankyou notes both to her and my cousins, her children.  The fact that my mother figured I didn’t know who Aunty Pat was simply reinforced the truth that her own relationships with her family were not normal.  She was simply projecting her own careless attitude and lack of intimacy onto me.  She told me about her sister’s death with brevity and the same detached tone a newsreader would use.  There were no tears, no sense of loss, no actual pain in her voice.  It got to the point that I actually said to her “It’s OK to grieve Mum”, thinking that she was in denial.  I got a non-commital response.  At the time I thought she was just not coping.  I was to get a fresh insight into her coping skills when my father died.

Dad died on Saturday 31 July 2004. He would have been 100 in January last year.  But my mother’s responses during his last days in hospital and his funeral were pretty damning evidence of her character disorder.  We were coming to a place where I think Steve was finally recognising that the cult was a bad place to be so my father’s death was a very important catalyst to our exit.  I never went back to church after this and Steve only went back one or twice I think.  The Sunday after the funeral, one elder had gone up to Steve to ask where I was.  Steve had told him I was with my family that day.  This man then told Steve to tell me to ‘Stop feeling sorry for myself’.

Dad was not actually dying of anything like cancer or heart disease, his body had lived a full life and at 88 and a half, he was finishing up.  He had a visit on one occasion by a pregnant witch doctor with two flying monkeys.  This woman, I had not seen her before, had come into the room, proceeded without any warning to tell my father what would happen as his body went into death as though she was discussing the procedure of an operation.  It was the most cold-blooded and totally unnecessary act I had ever witnessed from a member of the medical profession.  I was so shocked I just sat and stared at her.  At least her flying monkey’s (two interns) had the grace to look uncomfortable.  But here’s the kicker, when I told my mother about this woman, it turns out that she had done it once before, when my mother had been at my father’s bedside.  It is further proof that narcissists go into particular professions in order to make the most of their position amongst the vulnerable and weak.  It doesn’t help that society thinks doctors are gods and few actually have the courage to speak up when they say or do stupid and cruel things.  I wish I had not been in such a vulnerable position myself.  If I had that time again I would have given that woman a lecture on childbirth and told her exactly how painful it is blow by blow.  As a narcissist however, she would simply have enjoyed watching the pain in my face.  My reaction, as a child of a narcissist, was probably the best response.  Grey rock, albeit a bit shocked grey rock.  Fortunately for my poor father he did not have his hearing aid in, so he didn’t get most of what she said.

The day my father actually died I was not there.  I got a phone call from my mother that Saturday night informing me that he was gone.  She also informed me that both of my sisters had been present when he died (he died in his sleep) and did I want to come and view the body.  It was not my imagination that she sounded slightly triumphant when she told me this. It wasn’t until later that I realised that she thought they had somehow scored a blow against me by having been present at my father’s death.  I told my mother that no, I did not want to go and view the body and she immediately said “No, I didn’t think you would want to”.  More triumphalism. She was right once again.  This is why I do not believe narcissists should be given any leverage by psychologists claiming they are simply poor sad victims of abuse from their own parents.  They choose how they act and who they do it to.  They choose their words and they know their victims, especially when it is their own children. They know how to shove in the barbs and when in order to do the most damage, and not even the death of their own husband is going to change that.

I found that out pretty quickly.

The morning of the funeral my sisters and I were at my mother’s house. At one point somebody made a funny remark about something and we laughed at it.  The children in our family had always joked during uncomfortable moments, it was the only way we knew to deal with the situation.  According to my husband who was in the room at the time, my mother who had been on the phone to her cousin had made some nasty comment upon hearing us laugh that ‘they will feel differently when they are at the funeral’.  She was angry with us for apparently having no respect for the dead, when in fact this was all just projection on her part.  She was the one who was not actually grieving. Apart from a brief flurry of tears when I started crying on the phone when she told me Dad had died, that was it.  I did not see her cry ever, did not see her show any signs of grief or any concern that the husband of over 50 years was now dead and she would be on her own.  If you didn’t know any better you would think she was actually happy he was gone.  I will never forget standing in their bedroom while she flung open the doors of the wardrobe and told us to take something that belonged to Dad ‘Whatever you like’ as though this was a garage sale.  Dad had only just been laid to rest, and we all looked at each other and felt very uncomfortable.  Then she made the remarkable statement that she was going to ‘beat Dad’ and made sure she lived longer than he did as though this was a race and she was going to win.  My mother was ten  years younger than my father.  She is now 91.  Looks like she certainly did ‘beat him’ and if that was all she cared about then she has gotten her wish. The only problem is that she is going to die sometime and when she does she will still be spending the same amount of time in hell as he does. She doesn’t realise that living longer is simply the grace of God to give you time to recognise your need of a saviour.

The Christmas after my father’s death was a doozy.  My oldest sister, who was divorced, and my brother, who was also on his own were going to spend that Christmas with my mother.  I rang early in December and asked about coming to spend Christmas with her. She made it abundantly clear that she did not want me or my family to spend Christmas with them.  She claimed that she could only ‘cope’ with two family members at a time and that it would be too much work for her.  My mother had never made any fuss about us spending Christmas with her before.   We have never expected her to do all the work, if we were at her house we always offered to wash up, help with the meals etc.  My mother was never left on her own.

I found myself once again inexplicably trying to get my mother to acquiesce to something that most normal mothers would jump at the chance to do.  She made it abundantly clear that she didn’t want us there and told me that she was going to ‘look after myself for once’.  Which made no sense, because she was not having Christmas on her own, just Christmas with only half her children.  My other sister living in Tasmania was not part of this situation.  So we were made to feel as though we were simply trying to freeload off my mother when in actual fact we were thinking she would need people around her on the first Christmas without my father.  She did not offer another day on which she would love to see her grandchildren, or offer to come and see us on a different time.  I did not hear from her for two weeks and then I got a phone call.

She was sounding very happy and energetic and told me excitedly that she was going to spend two weeks with my sister Alison in Tasmania because “she didn’t get to spend Christmas with me”.  I should point out that never in her life had she rung me to let me know that she would be gone for two weeks because she was spending time with my sisters. She would regularly fly to north Queensland and Tasmania where they lived and not once during those years did she let me know she was going, she and my father simply left.  Now all of a sudden it was imperative for her to give me a heads up.  I was floored, but also angry.  I was facing her usual game of one-upmanship. Not only did she exclude us from her family Christmas, but she was letting us know that her visit to my other sister was because she didn’t get to attend Christmas.  My mother was going out of her way (clearly not the grieving widow at this point) to fly all the way to Tasmania on her own in order to visit the poor dear who did not get the chance to be in her presence for the holidays.

I was not going to let this go.  I called her on her hypocrisy and her response was ‘Are you jealous?’.  I remember totally wilting at this come-back.  Of course that was what it was all about.  She wanted us to not only feel rejected but to be jealous of the other children who were being given ‘normal’ treatment.  I made the sarcastic rejoinder ‘Yes, Mum, I must be jealous’.  It completely went over her head.  She brightened up after this and said that she would have a coffee with me when she got back.  No comment about her grandchildren or my husband, it was me she was trying to get at.  So I made her promise.

A couple of weeks after she returned I rang her up to organise having a coffee together.  Over the next few weeks I got every type of excuse from ‘its too hot’ (as though coffee shops don’t have air conditioning), to she wasn’t well.  Eventually however, I got her to agree to a day.  We spent approximately an hour together, she was visibly uncomfortable and clearly not enjoying herself the whole time and I felt like a total idiot.  Why try and force your own mother to do things with you when she clearly is not interested.

Narcissistic mothers however don’t make it this simple.  They swing from being ‘normal’ to being vicious and sadistic and you will never know when the swing will happen because they are experts at picking the worst possible time to turn on you. Then when they do turn on you, they will make sure you know that it is your fault.



Waking Up to Abuse – The Next Round


It was not enough that I had had it out with my mother regarding our wedding.

In fact, the wedding issue was just the beginning.

Her behaviour went Jekyll and Hyde at regular intervals.

I will never forget arriving home after our wedding.  I was a month pregnant, we were trying to set ourselves up in our own place, and I had come back to my mothers’ place and collected my things.  One of the things I collected was a quilt I had had as a child. My mother was using it on her guest bed and had done so for some time.  I did not mind this, since the room was hardly ever used, but after marrying and becoming pregnant certain of my belongings had greater significance than before. Therefore, I took the quilt with me as I left that day.  As I was walking out the door, my mother plucked the quilt off the top of the pile I was holding and said “No you don’t”.  I said “That’s mine”, and she replied “No, it isn’t”.

This quilt was indeed mine.  When I was a little girl I had sewn some squares together rather inexpertly to form a quilt. My mother didn’t want them, they were in the rag bag, so i asked if I could have them, she showed me how to sew them together, and I eventually ended up with a piece that would cover my single bed.  My mother then offered to make a valise for the patchwork, so what I ended up with was a bedcover.  She then told me that she was going to give this to me for Christmas.  I could say that I was underwhelmed at being given something for Christmas that I had actually made, but I was used to this kind of gift giving, and in fact I had no choice about it anyway.  So it was mine twice.  I made it, and I was given it as  Christmas gift.

It had been on my bed since then and for the few years after I left home, my mother had it on her guest bed.  Now apparently it belonged to her.  There was no time at which I had ever given it to her, but she didn’t want me to have it either.  Because my mother was going to fight me for my quilt, my husband picked up on the hostilities, and being a good and compulsive suck-up at the time (he is OK with me saying this), he didn’t stand with me against my mother, he simply told me to back off.  Of course it worked, because I was also a compulsive suck-up and didn’t want to embarass my new husband and his brother (who was helping us move at the time).  So my mother got to keep the quilt.

Some time later, after enough time had passed for me to move on but not so much time to forget what happened, we were in my mother’s house and I was looking at a set of cushions on her chairs I did not recognise.  She saw me looking at them and said casually “Oh, do you like my new cushion covers? I cut up that old quilt that nobody wanted and made cushion covers out of it”. And she had.  She had not just cut up the very long and large valance which would have done just as well.  No, she cut up the patchwork top which I had made.  What was the point of this?  Punishment for contradicting her lies and challenging her abuse.  Note that ‘nobody wanted the quilt’ – a blatant lie, but also, truth for her.  She didn’t want the quilt, she just didn’t want me to have it. So just in case I might have figured on getting it back at some point, she ensured that I never would.

She stood there smiling boldly and innocently at me and I just went numb and cold like I usually did at her attacks.  I said nothing, did nothing, just moved on.  I had no choice.  But I did not forget what she did.  This was deliberate, designed to humiliate and control and destroy.  But she destroyed more than just some material.  She destroyed our relationship.

Events like this are peppered throughout my history with my mother.  They started when I was about three and have continued up until about 2012.

The last attack is one I have pondered for five years, and I feel the need to present my case publicly.  Although we have been no contact with my mother and subsequently one of my sisters for some time, both my mother and oldest sister have attempted to humiliate and control me via the internet and private letters.  But these attempts to control me are going to stop, mainly because I am not going to just pretend its all OK.

I have decided to finally publish the letter my mother sent me which purports to be actually from my siblings.  It is an interesting case, because it proves to what depths she will sink if she thinks she will get away with it.  My mother may be 90 something now, but her level of abuse is sicker than it has ever been and she will stop at nothing to get back at me  for refusing to bow to her manipulation and attacks.  They are ferocious and don’t just affect me, they affect my family.  I am standing up for them as much as I am for my self.

Waking Up to Abuse

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I haven’t spoken to my birth family for some time.

When we came out of the cult, I began to look for answers.  No straight away, because all you can do initially is breathe in and out and eat. And sometimes you can’t even eat.

After about two years, I started a blog.  It was called ‘Tales From The Crypt’. During the blog years, I wrote a sanitised version, mainly because I was so terrified of the consequences of speaking up.  But as I have since discovered, the results were not as terrifying as I expected.  Abusers thrive on telling their victims not to talk.  But the threats are empty.  Bad stuff doesn’t happen because you tell. There are often people who are in fact helped and encouraged by telling your story.  It’s the reason the internet is filled with people who tell their stories and then get thousands of  hits.  People need to know that others have suffered as much as they have, and they need to know there is hope, an answer to that suffering.

While I was writing the blog, I discovered a whole lot of other blogs about abuse; spiritual abuse, sexual abuse, and familial abuse.  I had not heard the phrase ‘dysfunctional family’ before, and while I loathe and detest the so called ‘psychology’ professions because they make a boat load of money from vulnerable people without actually offering viable solutions to their problems, some of their fraternity are actually good people. And some of those good people are actually compassionate listeners, moreover, they are good analysts – in a non-psycho way (with everything that implies).  If these good people stopped taking money for their pains, or at least not so much money, I could at the very least applaud their work.  On the other hand, it takes money to publish a book, so kudos to you…people like Marti Laney Olsen and Dr. Elaine Aaron.

During my many years as a researcher and writer of blog posts I began to understand why we had gotten ourselves involved, without realising it, in a cult.  I had the revelation that my family was actually a cult, and that the very same dynamics which I thought were evidence of ‘godly men’ was in fact evidence of dysfunctional men.  So not only did my understanding of abuse need to be corrected, my understanding of the universe did too.

I tried talking to my sisters about narcissism.  Both of them, 8 and 11 years older than me, despite having gone through divorces, one of which was with an abusive man who got my sister involved in a religious cult,  sought to discredit what I was saying and ignore what I presented to them.  It was deeply disturbing, but alas as  I was to find, not uncommon. Whilst attempting to discredit the information, they still said things like ‘we love you’.  At this point however, I was beginning to recognise that saying ‘I love you’ doesn’t actually mean that they do.  It just means they don’t understand words are symbolic of actions not wishful thinking.

The upshot of trying to talk to my sisters about our family dysfunction was that I realised I was on my own.  Meanwhile my husband was also trying to talk to his family about their dysfunction.  Same deal.  Apparently both he and I were in the same boat.  We were middle kids of largish families, we were the invisible kids whose job it  became to serve everyone else’s interests and shut up. We did such a great job of it, we decided to take on the position for life.

Hence, when our parents did heinous things, we did not even recognise them as such, we simply apologised for our shortcomings, grovelled a bit more, and never noticed the glint of victory in the eyes of those who were enjoying the grovelling.

It wasn’t until we left the cult and (quelle surprise) were also rejected by our family members for again some unknown reason that we realised something was not quite right.  Much later we realised the reason was that as broken cult survivors we were now needing help and support from our families.  I have often thought of the old parable of the Little Red Hen in these situations.  Everybody wants a piece of you when they get their needs met, but to actually offer help to somebody else is too much to ask.

In the process of, well, processing I wrote my mother a letter which was to become something of a catalyst for issuing a ‘no contact’ to my family.

When I married, in New Zealand, in 1989, nobody from my family attended the wedding.  None of our friends did either, but as we were to learn later, the church we had attended had been sucked by that time into the cult.  It was not a coincidence that my family remained politely detached as well.  I say politely because in both cases, there was no animosity, no actual reason that nobody attended the wedding. They just weren’t interested enough to go.  Now, we had attended all their weddings.  I had gone to my sisters, my sisters had attended each other’s weddings, my brother and parents had likewise gone to all the weddings until mine. We had also attended all of our friend’s weddings, in some cases being best man.

And here’s the really interesting thing.  My sisters at the time lived about as far away from Brisbane as you could get. One in Hobart and the other in Townsville, both about three hours flight away, both involving some organisation to get to, but both were visited by my parents and brother at regular intervals several times a year.  It would have been unthinkable for them to not visit each other. Distance and money were no object, they were family, therefore they enjoyed visiting each other.  You might think, maybe it was because we were Christians.  Well, my oldest sister claims to be a Christian and married a professed Christian on her first wedding.  No issue there, everyone came to the wedding.

So how was it that everybody, to a man, without even bothering to offer an excuse, reason or justification just simply didn’t turn up.  Nor did they apparently think that I would have a problem with it.  Steve didn’t count either it seems because nobody offered him any explanations.  Life just carried on as before.

It wasn’t until we actually asked for explanations that things began to get very nasty.

I will never forget the phone calls my mother and I had days before the wedding.  She told me she couldn’t afford to come to the wedding. Of course, I tried everything I could think of to reduce the cost, my mother in law actually offered accommodation.  No deal. My mother, without actually offering any solace or proof that she wanted to come, kept insisting she had no money and could not make it on that account.

All well and good, it happens sometimes you might say.  But there was no offer to come later and visit us when they did have money (we were staying an indefinite amount of time in New Zealand).  The really interesting thing about this was this.  My parents offered to help pay for the wedding when they thought we were having it in Brisbane.  They were going to pay for the venue etc.  They had money.  As soon as we told them we were getting married in Christchurch, all of a sudden they had no money.

Yet, a week after the wedding, they sent us a cheque for $1000.

Six months after the wedding, we came back to Brisbane and they picked us up in a brand new car.  My parents never bought brand new cars.  They were frugal and always drove second hand.  Wow, great for them, you might think.  Yeah, wonderful.  Except the timing of this sudden burgeoning of their finances is a little curious considering at the time both of my parents were retired.  They had no extra money coming in, they just suddenly decided to purchase a $30 000 car a few weeks before we arrive back in Brisbane.

They had money for what the considered important.  They just refused to spend it on flying to Christchurch to see us get married.

Now, you might think that this is an awful lot of who-ha decades after our wedding and why am I writing about it now.  Because it took me until I was 44 to have the guts to question my Mother on this issue, and when I did, she didn’t simply politely reiterate her original excuse, or even elaborate on things a little more and talk to me as one adult to another.  I wrote her a respectful letter asking her why she didn’t come to the wedding when she clearly had the money to do so.  What I received was a hateful spiteful letter threatening and attacking with no thought to the consequences of her words.  She told me she was not going to address the subject of my letter, my wedding, simply because I had accused her of lying.  Then she threw about a dozen accusations at me, including that I had withheld my children from her and that I needed to see a therapist because I was apparently ‘always writing things like this’. It was the first letter I had had the courage to write to anyone like that, we had never withheld anything, including our children, from her, and I was already seeing a counsellor. It was the counsellor who told me that it ‘wasn’t normal’ for a whole family not to attend their daughter/sister’s wedding for nno apparent reason and think that she will be OK with that.

After a couple of exchanges, I explained to my mother that if she could not talk to me with respect and courtesy, I did not want to talk to her at all.  She modified her tone in the next couple of letters, but the accusations were the same, and her utter horror at ‘being accused by her own child of lying’ apparently was too great for her to control her irrational outbursts.

Interestingly, I had not ever said the words ‘you are a liar’.  All I did was point out that she had said she had no money and then sent me money a week later.  I said the evidence was contradictory and did she have an explanation for that.  It just proved that she was not willing to be held accountable for her actions and that she would spin a whole lot of hyperbole and false accusations at me for having the temerity to talk to her as a middle aged woman and not kow-tow to her hysterics as I used to do as a child.

The upshot of the letters was that I told her that until she began to treat me with respect and stop the abuse we would no longer welcome contact from her.  She has never apologised,  not stopped sending letters and has refused to explain any of her actions. Instead, she has simply continued her campaign of character assassination and lies.